Blood stained stars(rewrite in free verse)

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rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

0 posted 2007-01-16 04:42 PM

Glassy fragments of past nightmares
blind justice from coin seeking eyes.
For this priceless element, lives are given.

Toddlers end up paying the price.
When they’ re working all hours in ditches seeking
shards of a sparkling curse.
Children can’t help their needs; they lose limbs just for wanting.
Gems, stained with beads of scarlet red.
Darken the light in Sierra Leone.
A single jewel found, causes insanity.
Civilians rush to the mines, only to
die for the value of A Diamond.

Takes fires from the forges of hell, to melt
the sharp rock. Soldiers break the people,
whipping them and massacring families in sight.
Forcing the mutilated children to find a priceless gem
that most of them will never see. Slipping slowly away.
Losing their homes so they fight for the military.

An uncut treasure, defined by the money it’s sold for.
Cold-hearted smugglers deal out the cards to play with weighted dice.
A boy without a beard, places the orders for the give and take of lives.
The lifeblood of those who died in vain is carried through to rings.
Haughty hands make a flipping motion in the air.
Constellations in the sky are got in the centerpiece
worn by the ones who don’t at all care.

Gold made through enslavement and murder manages to
get into the trade market for the stone that rightly belongs to none.
Crystal beams of light shine from the shiny stone, reflecting back
Through starry depths the pain of the crippled who have just begun.
Fortunes paid to traffickers, twist the plot around, lives of vassals change.
Dominant little pebble valued at the highest market price, cutting open healed scars. Preschoolers die for the rebels’ ice. Sacrifice and mutilated amputations mark Sierra Leone’s Diamond Wars.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-01-20 01:58 AM

I'm still stuck with the same advice. I still feel a distance here.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

2 posted 2007-01-20 01:00 PM

What do you mean?

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2007-01-20 01:41 PM

quote:
Either one or both:

"Uncut treasure, valued at the highest price,
A twelve year old gouged out the eye of a twelve year old,
An opaque material, a blood diamond,
And a smuggler who uttered the words,
"Not enough."

I think that if you concentrate on one person or a situation, it lends itself more naturally to some of the comparisons you are overtly making in your piece. This isn't to undercut (sorry) your concern with meter. You can definitly make a strong case that this poem should indeed have a strong metrical spine to it.

No doubt you have an image you want to convey here, but if you see one image a little more clearly, I think it will, probably, come out more clearly in the text.

I said this before, and I still think it holds. Um, on the other hand, it might not be a bad thing to let this one lie a bit and write a poem about the movie.

I have a lot of lazy poems, they're all over the place, in notebooks, on computers -- old ones and new ones, half-formed, scraps on newspaper, things that have been punched and prodded, rewritten twenty or thirty times. The funny thing is that I wouldn't really feel comfortable if I tried to clean them all up.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

4 posted 2007-01-20 03:42 PM

O.K . I want to see the movie but I may not even get to unles I can convince my parents

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