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Critical Analysis #2
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Small Tree On Franz (1st poem, help would be greatly appreciated)
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Critical Analysis #2
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Small Tree On Franz (1st poem, help would be greatly appreciated)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Small Tree On Franz (1st poem, help would be greatly appreciated) |
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Schyma New Member
since 2007-01-17
Posts 2 |
I remember the night it happened..... First my neighbor told me "...happened at the small tree on Franz." Didn't believe it; just some sick rumor neighbors make up Later on the TV, watching the nightly news at 10 "...local kid gets decapitated on motorcycle." JUST RUMORS, surely the news room's full of them Worried now, I called his cell phone.....no answer; I couldn't sleep All I could do was think think think of those olden days.... When we were only little kids playing checkers, I always did beat him getting lost in a sea of cypress we never could find our way home he was always the one to lead us back by the time supper's end or even the more recent times when innocence was but a memory hanging out under the bridge smoking cigarettes, smoking tea talking, talking, talking for hours on end our minds as open as an oceans He's like the brother I never had At the moon's gentle zenith I took to the streets walked all the way to the tree on Franz and then from a distance, I saw it.... like a star in the sky, the tree stood glowing with candles and engulfed in a dreaded rainbow of flowers a newspaper clip attached to the tree with my brother's face on it then I knew... the rumors were true. [This message has been edited by Schyma (01-17-2007 10:37 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Spencer Schyma - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Why the shift in voice? I liked the beginning but was put off by the abrupt shift to a more traditional 'poetic' voice. |
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Schyma New Member
since 2007-01-17
Posts 2 |
Can you elaborate on why you're "turned off" by the shift in voice? I say a shift was needed in recalling the narrator's history with his departed friend. I kind of agree, the first stanza sounds a little out of place with the other two. Did you even finish reading it though? I tried to make it go along with the story line..... Stanza A ~ The narrator is recalling the first time he hears the news of his friend's demise. I'm trying to show how confusing the time was for the narrator; trying to show how he was in disbelief over the news. (Maybe instead of prose like sentences I should switch to more short direct sentences?) Stanza B ~ All I'm trying to do here is illustrate the narrator's history with the departed one. It's more of the mental projection of what's going on inside the narrator's head while he's trying to go to sleep recalling good times rather than Stanza A's more physical projection of the scene where he's at shock/disbelief; that's why I made the switch. Stanza C ~ The narrator, still not at rest with the news, takes to the streets to see with his own eyes the dreaded scene (in this case: the small tree on Franz street) which took his friend's life. At the end, the narrator finally accepts the gloomy reality of the situation. I tried to blend imagery and story as best as I could here. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I just think it would a more interesting piece if you kept it in that first voice. The slices of dialogue and whatnot, I think, create a more immediate reaction in the reader. |
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Small Tree On Franz (1st poem, help would be greatly appreciated)
