Once Upon A Time At Your Death

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JesusChristPose
Senior Member

since 2005-06-21

Posts 777
Pittsburgh, Pa

0 posted 2005-12-23 11:01 PM

Once upon a time in your life you believed
It would never change
Every part of it fit like a glove
Impossible to rearrange

Smiling and laughing without a worry
Enjoying your role in life's game
As time quickly passed, not once did you blink
Everything remained the same

But then came the day you found yourself on
The sidelines wanting back in
You could not believe how you were removed
From the game you were certain to win

And time after time you tried very hard
To force your way back on the field
But with each attempt, you constantly failed
And persistence soon became yield

Once upon a time at your death
The clock ticked away as you sat in unrest
Angry and anxious while watching the game
You turned on your life in protest

To realize what was up was now down
You turned to the bottle and sank
And as you plunged into deep misery
You found solace in all that you drank

Until one day when those demons attacked
And your mind was captured for good
The solution you found was to finish your life
And in this, you knew that you would

You began to think about loved ones you’d hurt
Yet you knew what had to be done
You climbed to the top of the stadium’s stairs
And flew straight into the sun

And as you slipped into unconsciousness
You thought about what you did know
That they would believe this death was your end
But your ending was long time ago

Once upon a time at your death
Life threw in its own monkey wrench
Broken and beaten, and out of the game
You could not remain on the bench

"If this grand panaorama before me is what you call God... then God is not dead."

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

1 posted 2005-12-27 01:04 PM

well, I think there will always be room on the bench

and that life's ups and downs are just different chapters in your story, JCP.
I'm not sure there is anything I can 'critique' on this write, and I'm not the best one at 'poetry tune-ups'

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

2 posted 2005-12-27 05:31 PM

i felt that you were concentrating too much on rhyme and that you let your diction become overly pedestrian.

the first stanza reads like two sentences that have been chopped as do stanzas 2-4 and 9.

perhaps try just reducing the words and doing more with double entendre or an image that can some the situation in one verse rather than 2.

your usage of sports cliches really hurt the poem. they sapped the emotion out of it.

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

Angel4aKing
Senior Member

since 2006-09-27

Posts 1372
USA

3 posted 2007-02-04 05:29 AM

It's happening again the enlightenment... one can not destroy that which is forever...and in this life we all have a thing or two to learn...

~~~kingsangel~~~

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