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Critical Analysis #2
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Comfortable Liars (Edited)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Comfortable Liars (Edited) |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
Sorry to keep making new topics, but I hate when a revised version gets buried by other posts. I have taken the advice so graciously given to me, and I have turned out a shorter, more meaningful, and hopefully less "Hammy" poem. Tell me what you think. Thanks a million. Here I am, Among these comfortable liars. Leaning with them, Whispering together in false tones. They are one, in their narrow thinking, And in their gestures, without meaning. I have become a fabrication, Like them, A replication, of a collective mind. I can no longer distinguish, Myself from another, My eyes are there eyes, And they are blind. Delicately linked, As one person If one dies, we all die, So if I, So will they. And it is now I hear, The voice of death, Calling me, Calling me, Calling me away. [This message has been edited by Russell8624 (01-04-2007 10:09 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Russell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
As one person I one dies, we all die, I assume the I was meant to be an if.. i liked it and thought it is alot better than before. At the curent moment I do not have any crittique. I am going to think a bout it.. and hopefully later today will be able to come back and crittique and see if I think anything could be changed, Good luck, YOu are improving alot. RhIa |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
Any comment on this, Brad? |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
quote: I wish this said Wispering together in false tones, one in their narrow thinking. It's much more concise, and reads like a sentance. I like this length much more than the marathon that came before. Also, take the capitolization out of the first letter of each line. Better, thanks. CS |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
What you mention above does not really match the cadeance of the stanza. It's meant to be read a certain way. Thanks a million for the post |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This reads well. I don't like the last four lines or so, but it reads like a singular piece (I probably would have ended it with an ominous 'so are they'). Are others going to like it? Of course not. I still think you're starting at the wrong place, I still am not convinced that you've fleshed it out enough in your head, but here at least that same ambiguity has become intriguing. I want to know more. As opposed to: I don't care but if you tell me more I might be. Now, if you would just stop being rude to our other posters (C'mon, do you honestly think it matters that some people are going to like it? I've had stuff that people wouldn't stop talking about for days. Gave it to someone else and it was laughed at. I won a prize for one thing, posted it here, and someone asked why they should care.), we might be able to get some interesting conversation going. [This message has been edited by Brad (01-05-2007 09:44 PM).] |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
It may have nothing to do with the poem, but what are you doing in South Korea? sorry...I just couldn't contain my curiosity any longer. As for the poem, I will make some changes as time allows. |
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