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Critical Analysis #2

Ghosts From Within

stevepoet
Junior Member

since 2006-12-02

Posts 46

0 posted 2007-01-03 04:13 AM

Lately Ive been feeling the ghosts from within
eating at my insides, terrorizing my skin
like Cerebus guarding the gates of hell
they posses multiple heads and a hideous smell
heads without caring, heads without emotion
heads that don’t know the power of the ocean
the power of devotion, positive and true
I must escape these terrible auras making me blue
looking to the stars I find the power to resist
the power to stop this negative energy, clinging to me like a cyst

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-01-04 05:43 PM

Have you tried dropping the rhyme and just, I don't know, describing the situation from the 'ghost' point of view?

Think 'The Screwtape Letters' -- CS Lewis.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

2 posted 2007-01-04 08:18 PM

I like the rhyme.  I think right now it needs more work with sentence structure and punctuation.

Reptitions such as participle...participle:

"eating...terrorizing"

And the same word/words so close to each other:

"........ heads....
heads without... heads without...
heads that don’t...  the power of ...
the power of...

........the power to...
The power to..."

Give much a feeling of redundancy and empty drama.

Other things such as shorter lines, and more consistent syllable count and meter may make this much better.  But none of those is as important as writing a good and healthy sentence.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2007-01-04 09:55 PM

But most of the rhymes do seem pretty forced.

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