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Ghosts From Within
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Ghosts From Within |
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stevepoet Junior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 46 |
Lately Ive been feeling the ghosts from within eating at my insides, terrorizing my skin like Cerebus guarding the gates of hell they posses multiple heads and a hideous smell heads without caring, heads without emotion heads that don’t know the power of the ocean the power of devotion, positive and true I must escape these terrible auras making me blue looking to the stars I find the power to resist the power to stop this negative energy, clinging to me like a cyst |
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| © Copyright 2007 stevepoet - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Have you tried dropping the rhyme and just, I don't know, describing the situation from the 'ghost' point of view? Think 'The Screwtape Letters' -- CS Lewis. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I like the rhyme. I think right now it needs more work with sentence structure and punctuation. Reptitions such as participle...participle: "eating...terrorizing" And the same word/words so close to each other: "........ heads.... heads without... heads without... heads that don’t... the power of ... the power of... ........the power to... The power to..." Give much a feeling of redundancy and empty drama. Other things such as shorter lines, and more consistent syllable count and meter may make this much better. But none of those is as important as writing a good and healthy sentence. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
But most of the rhymes do seem pretty forced. |
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