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Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

0 posted 2007-01-03 02:18 PM

Hi again:

I'm workingin on putting togeather a book. wish me luck. Well anyway the thoughest part is picking the ones to put in there. This is on of the 40 I'm considering so far. don't know if it will be full lenght of a chapbook. but what the hay? what think?

HUG ME, HOLD ME

Bent over his knee, I cried
give me violence
give me freedom

Fold me soft with sleepless wonder
hug me, hold me
and tremble

I have learned to stand in lines
to speak to no one
nor grin in public

Now, tell me of the birds and bees.
What of feathers?
What of stingers?

Russell8624
Member

since 2006-11-28

Posts 99
Minnesota

1 posted 2007-01-03 04:14 PM

I'm afraid I didn't quite understand what your were saying in this piece, but it does flow quite nice.

rhia_5779
Senior Member

since 2006-06-09

Posts 1334
California

2 posted 2007-01-04 05:40 AM

For me the words flowed but not the trail of thought. Try to connect the thoughts to flow instead of being here and there and jumping from place to place.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 2007-01-04 05:40 PM

Good luck on the book.

I'm not sure your subdued style here is the best way to go. On the other hand, there's always the risk of banging this 'controversial' issue with a sledgehammer.

Maybe concentrate on one scene? Ever heard "Luka"?

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2007-01-04 08:34 PM

Honestly, I'm a little creeped out- there are very menacing sexual undertones in relation to this father figure. I really enjoyed this though... that lingering creepiness definitely left an impression.

Hope this helped.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

5 posted 2007-01-12 01:40 PM

Hey Rick

After you last post I decided to dig a bit and see what could be seen. For me this one is about as opposite as can be from the othe post - Road to where ever. This doesn't give me the same scene building ideas. I get the idea of a father son relationship, but it doesn't stand up for me. On this I don't think that more is less.

I don't agree with the sexual undertones thing, it just seems like the odd and sometimes stilted relationship between a father and son.

cs

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

6 posted 2007-01-12 02:19 PM

It is not unvague enough to be a good poem.

What is the relevance and context of something like the speaker saying:

"give me violence
give me freedom"

It doesn't make sense to me without any context or perspective.

I think it needs more clarity. On a structural note, perhaps a different manner of stanza may work for this better too; one that accomodates more description.

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

7 posted 2007-01-12 03:44 PM

thanks for the comments.

From what I see here this will not appeare on that book when it comes out.

rick

Thanks again

Say could you look at GIFTS if you have not alread?

Rick

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