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Critical Analysis #2
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The Core (Nothing makes sense Anymore)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Core (Nothing makes sense Anymore) |
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DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
This is the third one Ive written...I would really appreciate any good technical critique...honest too...I would really like to get better. This poem is pretty much on the inner turmoil of a breaking, tortured psyche. Thanks everyone! The Core (Nothing makes sense Anymore) This is the Core Where nothing Makes sense anymore Welcome to the Core You’ll rot off your wear and tear Your rips and bares begging for more For this is the Core Loneliness Fizzy-fizz Fizzles Away That Old Flesh Stagnation Amalgamation Stucky-suck sucks The Slippy slip-snips of snappy Old Bone Lappy-lipping, And kinda licka-licking A Spewing Cud-cone Stripping Down To the very Last Nerve So “Endure” Another: …Day. (Rest) Tip Of The Knife Slitting My Feet Hinged On Blades Winged And heavy-weighed with sweet buckwheat (Rest) So “Divide” Spirit: and mind. (andsacrificeskinforfilmstripsofpeaceyoucantrewind) Enraged Within (Rest) (Calmly Enraged Within) Waiting For The Perfect Moment To Implode This Moment Feels like… Kinda like… “imploding-time” So “implode” Right: Now. This moment… Has come And gone And So “I” Feel: Nothing. “I” Feel: Nothing. So deep “sadness” Is: nothing And so… that’s what “I” Feel: “I feel nothing”. Cause this is the Core… So “I’m” Begging: Begging for more. Cause this: This is The Core. Welcome to the Core. Where nothing: Nothing makes sense anymore. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry, can't help but rip this one a bit. The "Core" makes no sense (not intended as a pun). The Core of what? Give me something to identify with here. The long skinny format suggests triviality and I don't think that was your intent. And some of your non-words remind me of Dr Seuess. You do have some meat here but it is masked by the above. I think you could work on sensible lines and wording and possible produce something worthy. JMHO. |
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DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
Ok, the core is a metaphore for the "core of your being", as in your psychological structure. in this poem, I want to express what its like inside "the core" of someone who is divided in the psyche, and show that somehow with the structure of wording, cadence, and with the words...thats why its confusing, and I have invented words...but I guess its too "ambiguous"...How can I make this obvious then, that the poem is an expression of a tortured conscious, etc...? The thin lines suggest triviality...that was not intended...may I ask why? Is it because each line is quick to read and not much substance? Thanks for your help! |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: What’s wrong with simply using good ol’ fashioned clarity? If your metaphors are coming across as ambiguous, nebulous or downright muddled to the point where you must add a qualifying addendum, your poem is simply failing. And, invented words won’t make the poem more compelling. Rather, they’ll be read as mistakes and will trip the reader while he attempts to figure out what word was really intended at that point. You may as well prop your dog on your lap and let him punch in random characters on the keyboard. quote: You pretty much figured it out for yourself. Line breaks in poetry are normally determined by the total number of poetic feet per line. It’s the point where a normal person takes a breath. A normal line is seldom longer than five or six feet. There’s no sense attempting to cause the reader to hyperventilate--metaphorically speaking of course. If you must use such quick lines, you should use them sparingly and then, be damn sure they do have enough substance relating to the rest of your poem that the reader pauses only because [s]he’s actually transfixed by the line itself. If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
Ah ok, I see. I've always been turned off by too much clarity in the sense of giving everything to the reader "freely"...I agree that if its so nebulous that you have to "explain" it then the poem is failing. I just want to find a way to balance the two, not too "clear" so its "free", and yet not too ambiguous so the reader is confused and loses interest. I took note of your comment how invented words dont make a poem more compelling, I can see why. Ill try to stay away from that in the future. I didnt know about the "5 or 6 feet" in an average line...interesting! So that can be played upon, as in mixing the length of lines to cause the reader to make forced breaks, or to hurry their reading on purpose...I guess to set up places where you want accents, or rests. Ok, well thanks, this has been helpful. |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
I love what you're reaching for here! It is beyond the scope of mere words, and this makes it all the more necessary for you to render it on a canvas that allows it to shine and befuddle all at once in that balance you seek. I mean we're talking about the core here; who's got a clear picture of that? But you've got to lose the 'gimmicks' they distract because reading is an 'on page, left to right exercise that follows certain accepted norms' If you're inclined to break those norms - then you'll have to captivate the reader with near iron clad word moves. My feeling is that this would do well onstage. Pare it down and keep the lines in a usual format; another suggestion is: put the words and experience in the mouth of a character - make the character and his/her experience clear; explore the concept through the character. And if you're compared to Dr. Suess you in good company - look where 'silly' got him. I'd love to see a rewrite of this. YeshuJah*) |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
This is what I think. It seems as though you start very near to the instance and through word sounds and word association you begin to distance yourself. Insofar as to remove yourself from the pronoun I. I also like how your come back to the central idea at the end. Nice piece...sorta heady...but good CS An artist's job is not to commentate the truth. |
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DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
Ok Ive read your comments and suggestions. I will post a 2nd revised version trying to keep everything said here in mind. Thanks for the help "dudes (and maybe dudettes)" !! ninja turtles rock |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Hello David The Lion. This is a fallacy-filled poem to me. "You'll rot of your wear and tear" is ridiculous. I know you've said "where nothing makes sense any more", but fallacy is not neccesarily nonsense. It kind of degenerates into a "Hostel" scenario...where everything is staged for gruesome affect. Also, what's with the strange capitalization? This poem doesn't make sense...ya got me. Onelove |
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Sasasha New Member
since 2006-06-02
Posts 5Sheffield, England |
I have to disagree with the comments about the line formatting; I think it's so effective, it distances the reader in a really unfarmiliar way and brings across such an uncomfortable, forced feeling, like you're being made to suspend your comfortable conventions to look at something which is confusing and complicated in an almost primordial way. The mecahnical distancing in "I" and the colons creates a feeling that 'the core' is a state where the self is meaningless and actions are worth nothing, adding to the chaos. I feel it went on a little too long maybe, perhaps there was just a little too much material which is really hard to take in. I don't think there's a problem with the nonsense words, I disagree that this is simply 'falacy'. But I would advise doing it a bit too much. In a sense, even chaos is subtle. (EDIT: Oh, I forgot to say, I really think it would work well in theatre, as someone else said; it's very like Beckett; have you read the Mouth monologue? It really does remind me of this.) |
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DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
I didnt intend to include arguments, fallacies, etc...in this poem. If you have found any, its just a subjective interpretation of a singular person that hasnt really understood what I was getting at...which I must say is partly my fault....which is why I am currently reworking it, shortening it to make the core less confusing (even though I wanted to show that it is so confusing its unreadable)...which is counter-productive since its actualt humans who are reading the peotry and not some abstract concept in my head (the core is inside of course). Caps...well I guess I capitalized some words for importance...is this a cheap gimmick? I thought not...but I could be wrong. It will be made shorter for sure. Ill check out Beckett too, thanks for the ref...! |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
I can see where Sasasha is going with the Beckett comparison, the piece is not trying to find a way out, or have an epiphany, but I doubt Beckett would employ so many forced rhymes. The capitalisation probably stood out because you employed it self-conciously in a piece that's meant to come across as "nothing matters in the abyss". On the subject of fallacy, it's not about the nonsense words-I think that they're the strongest ingredient in the piece, it's about the intrinsic logic that must be present in anything to make an image, especially in writing. "You'll rot off your wear and tear" does nothing but repeat itself, providing no image. On reading further, the repetitions are there in abundance, a technique that should be worked carefully, or else it grates, especially when there's no image to repeat. I'll look forward to the re-write. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
quote: The only thing the piqued my interest was this and that was almost ruined by the line breaks. Honestly, the poem reads like you started off excited (half an idea or some abstract thought) and then got bored. Russ is right here. Clarity is the best solution to the problem I think. When you try to consciously hide your thoughts, it isn't always clear if there is a thought at all. |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Also try shortening it this is way to long. Even with the short lines. |
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