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Critical Analysis #2
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Forbidden Territory
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Forbidden Territory |
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ivordavies Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739Chester, England 
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Forbidden Territory In the place where no one goes, lurks many things that no one knows. Where we are terrified to roam in fear of facing ways unknown. This place is deep within our mind, but one we never dare to find. If brushed against by accident, we close the path down which we went. And yet this place controls our souls, untouchable, it bars our goals and even though we go not there, it is the route to everywhere. What is this place you dare not go? What is it that you dare not show? Why is it that within your mind, there is a place you dare not find? Ivor G Davies |
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| © Copyright 2007 Ivor G Davies - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
I like. Intriguing. It made me want to know more. In the line We know they're there, without a doubt, but dare not ever let them out. I know it makes syllable count is even like it is but to me if you take out the 'ever' just sounds better. To me it flows way better. |
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ivordavies Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739Chester, England |
Rhia, Thanks for the critique on this. This one was from my archives and while not in the way you have pointed out I will be revisiting this very line. It always felt uneasy, both in meaning and form and I now see why the form is wrong. It is the repetition of the word 'dare' in the next stanza that appears to clash for me. It is normally only from feedback, or returning much later to a piece, that I see problems of this nature so may I thank you once again for the attention you have given this. Ivor Ivor The moment created this second, is a moment that's going to last. |
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ivordavies Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739Chester, England |
Rhia, I have now carried out a re-write of this piece, taking into account the part that 'clashed' when you read it. Thanks for the comments, as I am now a lot happier with the result. Ivor |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, I keep thinking of old radio programs like the Shadow (they're still around, at least they were when I was young) and in many ways a very, very underrated art medium. Where do you want to do here? |
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ivordavies Senior Member
since 2007-01-10
Posts 739Chester, England |
Brad, While I did not know of 'the Shadow', after researching this, I can see why this piece would bring back associations. A little strange that during my re-write of this last night I actually visited the word 'shadow' several times when looking at the first stanza, but it never actually arrived in there. I agree radio is a VERY under rated medium and seems to be only used in cars for music nowadays. As with reading, listening to good narration can help a writer expand his skills. "Where do you want to do here?" Was this a reflection, or a question? Thanks for reading and your comments, Have Fun, Ivor The moment created this second, is a moment that's going to last. |
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