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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
well: Here is another, fresh. boy do I love the comuter. Re-writes take less time. I know that I should let this sit for a while. two or three day and come back to it. But No I like seeing what you all have to say. GIFTS The sixty plus teddy bears given one by one, live with us. Some rest naked in white fur. one faded gray with age, I replaced a Christmas bear with another new and smaller, sporting a blue tie. sitting in the living room today. I still love you and over the years, These bears they smile we’ve done well done well |
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| © Copyright 2006 Rick Slottow - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Yeah, it's too 'fresh' as you say. You start off with teddy bear motif and what seems to happen is that you just get bored with it. I'd like to see more of the teddies. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
I can relate wiht you there. we do have over 60 of them. would you think more about the bears or the reason that they where given would you like to meet more of them like the ones in other room or on window sills. I could intagrate more relationship stuff as well. but then possiblely lose the meddifor alltogether. mmm I did take out a lot of that other suff. to keep it short and to the point. Thanks rick |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I think it needs a bit more life to make it interesting. Why not show the reader some memories attatched to the bears? Another approach could be to turn it into a little nursury rhyme. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
I like the memories attached to bears. That could add more movement and refferentces to a long lasting relationship. Cool thanks. I'll poest what ever re-writes on this this thred. Rick. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
I did not change the first part at all. but did dubbled it in size. I did try to keep the same type of format. If that is what you want to call it. Mmmm: What wroks for you and what does not? Rick GIFTS The sixty plus teddy bears given one by one, live with us. Some rest naked in white fur. one faded gray with age, I replaced a Christmas bear with another new and smaller, sporting a blue tie. sitting in the living room today. I still love you and over the years, These bears they smile we’ve done well done well ten big bags hide button eyes Many remain still unplaced we free them bit by bit, one with mufflers, one wears red a Coca-Cola trademark on ones chest these three polar bears, live on the desk pure white coats echo the past twenty years Mrs. Jingle bear I love the best. She was the first. Well done well done. |
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