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Beau de L'air
Member

since 2006-08-03

Posts 105
Middlesex, England

0 posted 2006-09-08 07:33 PM

Melody

I love a woman with a straight back
and a gaze that sees for ever, distantly.
If I could swim in the same water or breathe
the air which clings to her I would be happy.

I love a woman with grey eyes, black lashes
and Whistler colours, smoky blue,white collar
starch: half heavenly body, half curved shape,
in the vertical plane that spans an opening.

I love a woman with a swing in her pleats, transfixing
time by a metronome, in preternatural melody.
I love this woman for the surface of things. Unsought,
I glance away; she knows me not.

DG

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

1 posted 2006-09-14 08:24 AM

“Aquarius and my name is Ralph
Now I like a woman who loves her freedom
And I like a woman who can hold her own
And if you fit that description, baby, come with me

Libra and my name is Charles
Now I like a woman that's quiet
A woman who carries herself
Like Miss Universe
A woman who would take me in her arms
And she would say, Charles, yeah
And if you fit that description
This is for you especially

Cancer and my name is Larry, huh
And I like a woman
That loves everything and everybody
Because I love everybody and everything
And you know what, ladies,
If you feel that this is you
Then this is what I want you to do”

Ok - fun over.  The Floaters lyric from gawd knows when immediately sprung to mind when I read the opening lines and unfortunately because the rhythm is also similar it’s difficult to get it out of my head when reading your piece.

Nevertheless, you have some nice moments in this.  The opening, simple, direct and effective is a good start.  You have a clear concrete image and you extend it convincingly so that your reader is taken along without disbelief.  Unfortunately, except for “air which clings” which is very good, the close of S1 does not live up to the opening.  Mundane is the word that springs to mind.

S2 is simply drowning in a morass of modifiers and is not saved by L8 which snaps the reader back to attention too late.

S3 starts in the same vein as S1, simple but good.  “Transfixing” is a mouthful and “preternatural” is plainly much too much.   It has the effect of jarring and braking.
The close has possibilities but is just too vague.  “for the surface of things” is nearly cliche and “she knows me not” is a nasty unnecessary inversion with inappropriate Biblical undertones.  Still, I see what you are aiming for, and again, the simple approach would work best here I think.

Regards.

Moonbeam

Beau de L'air
Member

since 2006-08-03

Posts 105
Middlesex, England

2 posted 2006-09-14 06:37 PM

Moonbeam, Stanza 2 is about colours and a conceit which conflates star and arch.  I don't see modifiers.  Colours are what they are.
I quite like "morass of modifiers" though.  Hah!
Transfixing is OK.  It's what things do to one, at least to me.  Preternatural is a bit tricky I agree.
"She knows me not" stems from the original idea which had Troubadour as the title. Archaic, now I've called it Melody.  I'll definitely dump it.  I like "surface of things".  "Things" is one of my favourite words. I use it consciously. I hope not too often.  To me it connotes  reality outside articulation.  That is to say: things exist which defy naming.  To pretend to "label" everything is just glib, superficially "literary".
PS . Thanks for the effort you have put into reading my poor stuff!  I shall return the favour when you post.

Cheers,   DG

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

3 posted 2006-09-15 04:34 AM

Moonbeam, Stanza 2 is about colours and a conceit which conflates star and arch.  I don't see modifiers.  Colours are what they are.
I quite like "morass of modifiers" though.  Hah!

>>>I see where you are coming from and to be honest I am kind of warming to the idea - I like the idea of your kaleidoscope colors.

Transfixing is OK.  It's what things do to one, at least to me.  Preternatural is a bit tricky I agree.
"She knows me not" stems from the original idea which had Troubadour as the title. Archaic, now I've called it Melody.  I'll definitely dump it.  I like "surface of things".  "Things" is one of my favourite words. I use it consciously. I hope not too often.  To me it connotes  reality outside articulation.  That is to say: things exist which defy naming.  To pretend to "label" everything is just glib, superficially "literary".

>>>On "things" it's not that I have a problem with it per se, simply that the phrase "surface of things" does seems to crop up fairly regularly now days in contemporary poetry (don't ask me!).  I always have this uneasy feeling that the poet is being "lazy" - unable to work out the philosophical complexity so resorting to something that sounds mystical and "poetic".  That you had an explanation was good, and I respect that.

PS . Thanks for the effort you have put into reading my poor stuff!  I shall return the favour when you post.

>>>"Poor" is inappropriate, you are very welcome sir.

M

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 2007-01-02 04:02 PM

Wonder why this didn't get more comments.

At any rate, it's an interesting poem even if it never quite exploded on me.

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