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Critical Analysis #2
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My Diary
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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My Diary |
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stevepoet Junior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 46 |
I write this in my diary filled with anxiety suffering from what I try to be ducking whats inside of me nothing can hold that back Im at a cul de sac stuck so Im deciding to rid myself of the muck and let it all loose untie this preverbial noose and get to my passions dashing for escape,Im smashing through hate,lasting through the mistakes.... passing through the gate of my mind I see the person I was fading in time blazing through lines of deception and ressurection injecting the positive direction into my veins Im at a point of eclectic perception and happy with my gains my pains will cease at least for now the beast is devoured and Im at ease and showered with gifts so please allow me to live |
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| © Copyright 2006 stevepoet - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Hi: This piece seem just like an entry in ones diary. It does not sound like a poem. Putting some structre to it my help you and it seem more like a poem. Poems need to look like a poem. Not different size lines on a page. my Suggestion try picking say 7 sylibles per line and see what it like. It you dont like that try the imbic pentamitor stuff. dont know that. Read some of the comments from others in this forum, they a great for that. You may even wont to write it in full sentenes then break it up again. Rick |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
If you have the time, can you explain what you think we should think of this?  |
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stevepoet Junior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 46 |
Thank you Rick. Brad what do you mean exactly. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Is this meant to be rap? |
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stevepoet Junior Member
since 2006-12-02
Posts 46 |
No Essorant its supposed to be a poem with rhyme,but not rap. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, if you've perused the forum for a bit, you'll see that when someone says it's a diary entry, it's not considered a compliment. I was curious how you wanted this to be read. Was this supposed to be a direct affront to such criticism or what? You don't write in a vacuum. |
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kaila Junior Member
since 2006-12-24
Posts 37PA |
Hey, Steve-- I think I understand what you are saying,but I do not see the offering as a poem. It seems forced in parts and does not work for me. So, what can you do? First, recognize that initial ideas or phrases are not in themselves poems. Edit, cut out the fat, and create tension in your lines. Think about what you really want to say. What is the idea? Can you say it in a line or a sentence? Can you find a few meaningful images to convey your ideas? Do you need cul de sacs and gates? "Is "injecting the positive direction into my veins" poetic phrasing or even necessary? Good luck-- kaila |
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