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Critical Analysis #2

Smoke Trails

Spot
Junior Member

since 2006-03-04

Posts 45
CA, US

0 posted 2006-03-05 05:39 PM

Smoke Trails (7/4/05)

We stand watching fireworks
miles away
and even with the explosions
every second it seems
the cold still bites and
arms are still crossed against chills-
this isn’t real fire.

Amazing changes of color
different forms and ways
to light
to fade
to fly
to fall
and each one leaves
a new line of smoke behind it.

Usually, the smoke isn’t seen
eyes still blurred
blind in spots from the brilliance
tiny pinpoints
almost like looking into the sun;
but the sparkling can’t amount to real stars
and as it fades away
tonight I’m looking
and I can’t keep my eyes off the smoke.

Bending whichever way the wind
happens to be moving
smoke spreads and shapes change
and the sky is clouded behind
the loss of fire and
the thinning trails that follow the
way it flew and
reached up for the sky.

We were watching then and
saw a flash as
our eyes sparkled with it and then
after seconds of silence
heard a bang but
it’s only later when
I’m waiting by the fence
to walk back home or
sitting in my bed with the window open that
the smell of burning reaches me
as the smoke starts to settle.

It looks like a cloud fell to
blanket the people watching but
this is a haze we made ourselves
a celebration of our own
beauty and ability and
it isn’t near as pure or
light or beautiful as
something fallen from Heaven.

We push our pride up
to hear the people ‘ohh’ an ‘ahh’
but it only burns until
it gets close enough to see
the real stars we watch
and we only shoot it high enough
to feel noticed and
when we stand watching it burn
and can’t stop our shivering
we start to choke on the smoke trails
that fire leaves when we try to
adapt it to our own purposes
and force ourselves into the sky.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-01-07 05:56 PM

This has tremendous potential. The only reason it didn't get any comments, I guess, is that it was too long, but it reads quickly.

I'd drop the overt philosophising and build on the use of motion to convey that point.

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