Desert Dance - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

mister61
Junior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 41
bergen county, nj

0 posted 2006-12-06 11:40 AM

Hide and seek,
Take a peek
And watch her steal away

When I took
Another look
You shone your face my way

A furtive glance
A silent dance,
Beneath the desert moon

That first hello,
I didn’t know
Good-bye would feel too soon

And since that night
Of desert light
That took me by surprise,

I long to be
Where I can see
The moon glow in your eyes

But if by chance
Our little dance
Was only for a song,

You ought to know
That soft, sweet glow
Is one I’ll take along

And think of when
I met you, then
Beneath the desert moon

A lovely sight
Bathed in a light
That faded all too soon

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2006-12-09 09:17 PM

Why not make it more of a story?

Right now, it lacks tension.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

2 posted 2006-12-09 11:41 PM

I liked this poem. It is enchanting and pleasantly simple. It is refreshing to find a poem that has fairly good meter and rhyme and that may be fairly clearly understood too.

That is along the line of what I call good poetry.

Thanks for sharing this, Mister.

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

3 posted 2006-12-10 12:15 PM

The piece is light-hearted; the simple rhymes, though clearly not the most clever, don't really have a forced feel, mainly because the premise keeps one's attention focused on wishing to read the outcome--which is where I feel it could improve. With a little more creative, possibly surprise, ending it could be a more compelling poem. I guess I wanted to see the subjects get back together again, perhaps dancing under that desert moon--thus completing the story.
This was still a pleasant enough read overall.

Sid

If you must carp: Carpe diem!
ICSoria

mister61
Junior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 41
bergen county, nj

4 posted 2006-12-11 01:39 PM

Thanks so much, all, for your thoughtful comments. I see where you're coming from and may take another crack at it. The "outcome" wasn't intended to sound so final, but rather open-ended so that was a particularly helpful note.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.