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Critical Analysis #2
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a few yellow leaves fell yesterday
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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a few yellow leaves fell yesterday |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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A few yellow leaves fell yesterday... I want to savor the last of the summer, wishing I could bottle it, uncork it on a dreary winter evening, pour a bit slowly into a glass, watch the warm hues swirl; pull it into my senses, let myself swim in the deep, sweet smell of roses, the subtle layers in the clean air after a brief rain; touch it, feel a lush carpet of green grass, or beach sand giving way beneath my feet, sun splashing across my skin; listen, hear the waves gently rolling, the round song of robins; then, when I’ve had my fill, tap the cork back in, save the last of summer’s harvest for another cold winter’s night. "It is wisdom to know others; |
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| © Copyright 2006 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Really gave me a warm-fuzzie feeling. The whole thing is probably one big cliche but that just didn't bother me. My only nit is that I just ran out of breath reading it as one long run-on sentence. That may have been your intent but it would work better for me if you gave a few places to pause and absorb the embiance. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Pete, I'm glad it gave you a summer feeling. That was the purpose of the poem. I know that "waves gently rolling" is cliche, and should probably be changed. Please point out some others I could edit. The semi-colons were my intended pauses...not enough? Thanks, Pete, for reading and giving me feedback, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
hi: I like the way you use simple words. In my opinion a line brake means that I am to pause for a moment. So would that make all the comma's usless? Just a thought. Great work Rick |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Rick, Thanks so much...glad you enjoyed the read. I think I really need some advice on how to make one pause at the right time. As I wrote to Pete, I thought the semi-colons were enough, but apparently not. I used to often use "..." as a longer pause, but I caught a lot of flack for that. I like that, but a lot of other poets don't. As you said, I could reformat it to break at the end of a line, but I always thought punctuation did that job. HELP!! Thanks, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Actually, I meant the whole poem is sort of a cliche. Maybe I used the wrong words there. I don't really see any particular line of phrase that offends. And the poem certainly does not. I wouldn't suggest changing any of it. As for the pauses, again, it just may be me. Honestly, I didn't even notice the semicolons. Maybe that indicates a bigger pause. I think sentences would work better though. I know what you mean about the ... but I still like to use one occasionally in spite of the complaining. It certainly can be overdone though. I think that's why I would prefer sentences here. If I make myself slow down, it really comes across well. I just need some help to do that without so much effort. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Pete, I wrote the poem intending to compare the summer to a fine bottle of wine. I used a few terms that are used to describe different wines. If you think it does not need any changes, but for the punctuation, then I will do that. I trust your judgement. Thanks again, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
It's your poem so don't trust my judgement. I know pretty much nothing, particularly when it comes to free verse. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, You've been a moderator here for years, and read poetry constantly. Even if one isn't a writer of free verse, he may still know what's good or bad about a poem. I think you do not give yourself enough credit. You do a good job on critiquing all kinds of poetry. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Warmhrt I enjoyed the metaphor and the mood in your poem. As Pete I think it may read better set in healthier and better grammared sentences. It seems you may do away with "wishing I could" in the second line that seems needless after saying "want" in the first line. You may even use the word "will" to "wish" and future tense, and remove the "to" before savor. Also green before grass may be removed as grass naturally implies green. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Heh, found this one. I'd drop the second line but my only real complaint is that it's too short. Ever thought about taking this one as far as the metaphor will go? |
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Red Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 143Ca |
I love wine and summer; therefore, I thoroughly enjoyed this!  I just wanted to add that I actually like that this is one long sentence and felt that writing it in such a style enhances the meaning and feel of your poem. I think that this adds to the 'endless summer' and flow of your thoughts quite nicely in fact. I believe that if you add too much punctuation it will take away from the idea that your poem is expressing. Actually, if it's a matter of pause, I suggest eliminating some of the commas & semicolons and utilizing them more sparingly therefore forcing your reader to stop a moment when we come across one. |
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