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ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

0 posted 2006-11-04 12:41 PM

This is kind of old and boarders on a rant. If you can see through that it may have merit. Or, it might just be a rant. Have at.

CS

I don’t get angry when people question who I am.
Why the temper?
Why have you been in school so long?
Why do possess great talent and yet no success?
I understand the questions.
I have them too.

But I do get angry when people question what I am.
They question the definition which,
though not listed in Webster,
is ever changing and
as ever concise.

It leads me to wonder if my efforts to “grow up” have
only left me with a more complicated naivety.
I’m an artist, musician, conductor, lover, and friend.
Yet I don’t understand the duality in which my progress is measured.
Much like I lack the understanding of the same internal duality.

I hear two voices; sometimes three.
My mother’s, my own, and another.
The one that tells me I can’t.
He is the one that I believe most often.
That man who seems to make my drink for me.
The one who lights my cigarette.
The man who holds the title to my soul.
I am servant to he,
he who is me.
The bad side of me.
He whom I hate.

Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference?

Dane Barner

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2006-11-12 11:52 PM

Planned to comment on this a long time ago and got caught up in other things, still caught up in fact.

For the moment I'll ask one question:

Why isn't this a dialogue poem?

It's called Internal Conversation. Why not let the reader listen in on it rather than telling us about it?

Or were you planning something else?

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

2 posted 2006-11-13 12:03 PM

I have no idea. That sounds like a great idea. I just don't know what that is... okay I did a very brief search. Seems like that may work. It's not entirely what I was going for. I think that the internal converastion was meant to be only one sided, which I suppose negates the conversive nature implied therein. Okay. Wait.

I'll go back to my previous platform. I have no idea. I'll think about it. If you have any other thoughts, I'd love to hear them. If you can think of each strope moving from superficial to deep that may help. More snapshots than single thought.

CS

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

3 posted 2006-11-13 01:30 AM

Other than the line-breaks, what is supposed to tell us this is poetry instead of prose?

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

4 posted 2006-11-13 03:35 AM

On a grammatical note:

"I am servant to he,
he who is me."

should be:

"I am servant to him
he who is I

That is because he becomes in the object/indirect object case "him" after to.  And after forms of the verb "be" (a copula) a word should be in its nominative/subject case, because this verb only links the words, and doesn't act transitively.  The verb "be" acts only like links between cars of a train if you will.

I am We.  We are thou.  Thou art ye. Ye are it. It is she.  She is he.  He is they.  They are I.

All grammatically correct.

But:

Me is us.  Us are thee. Her is him.  She is her. I am me, etc.

Are all grammatically incorrect.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2006-11-20 06:09 PM

CS,

Working on this one still?

Just curious.

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

6 posted 2006-11-21 04:07 PM

Brad-

Yes. I am trying to get a draft ready by week's end. With work and all the only thing I have made time for was Ess' challenge in TOL's thread.

I, first, needed to look in to dialogue poetry. This format seems to be used in high school creative writing classes quite a bit. It's been nice to see lesson plans show how teachers would teach the idea. I'll try to get it up by friday if there will be anyone around to read it - who's not off shopping! Thanks for the interest.

CS

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

7 posted 2006-11-27 01:13 AM

Sorry for being behind on this one, but I'm having a hell of a time. Dialogue poems are not as cut and dry as it seems. Here is a link to a W.H Auden dialogue poem:
http://homepages.wmich.edu/~cooneys/poems/auden.sound.html

And here is a link to a lesson plan using this form and an example poem, author unknown:
http://www.lacnyc.org/resources/workshops/poemdialogue.htm

Here is what I've done with the first two strophes. I've tried to create as nasty a second speaker as possible and not take away from the first. I really am experimenting. Let me know any of what you think.

I don’t get angry when people question who I am.
Well, who are you?
Why the temper?
Why?
Why have you been in school so long?
Why?
Why do possess great talent and yet no success?
Are you a failure in everything?
I understand the questions.
I have them too.
You understand, but
you are powerless.

But I do get angry when people question what I am.
What are you?
They question the definition which,
though not listed in Webster,
is ever changing and
as ever concise.
Their questions are real and
you change because you
don’t realize failure
is concise.

Thanks in advance,
CS

PS Can someone tell me how to italicize?

[This message has been edited by ChristianSpeaks (11-27-2006 11:52 AM).]

emy
Junior Member

since 2006-11-04

Posts 32

8 posted 2006-12-03 04:42 PM

Hi Christian,

I just got mixed up on the voices, which was which maybe because there were so many whys at the start, it muddled me a bit. I've read up on the dialogue poems, correct me if I'm wrong but is it like two first person poems tucked into each other? If yes, then I don't understand the
fifth and sixth lines with why on the line by itself. Also I get this eery feeling that the voices aren't talking to each other. (Just my take on this-could very well and prob is wrong)

regards

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

9 posted 2006-12-04 11:55 AM

No emy-

You are completely right. My problem is I don't know how to italicize. I think that I have it figured out thanks to help from a friend this weekend. I'll try to fix it later today. Thanks for the comment.

Dane

Ron

Administrator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-05-19

Posts 8669
Michigan, US

10 posted 2006-12-04 12:29 PM

UBB Code Help

You can find that link, BTW, on any Post Reply/Topic page in the Quick View links directly under the Submit buttons.

Red
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 143
Ca

11 posted 2006-12-10 10:07 PM

This is probably just a matter of taste or lack of knowledge on dialogue poems (admittedly, I read the "Two Women" example in your link and didn't enjoy that so much either) but I prefer your initial version (I quite enjoyed it in fact and felt that it required your reader to think more; the dialogue version seemed to 'dummy it down' somehow). You could always play with italicization somehow in that version to emphasize the different (or dueling) thoughts.

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