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This one breaks the rules
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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This one breaks the rules |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
Here is my poem. I warn you it is not traditional. The Fallen Men I voices echo across the desert, Finding the wind a bitter friend. Lives that remain have alas escaped , but still they are lost , Still they forget. Wise men struggle and cling to their complacent thoughts, And the rocks that were their foundations begin to crumble. Men whose pride only gold could tarnish flee from tides of suffering, And the those who are blind stumble away. We are the fallen men, The stiff men. Staked in fields of desolation we feel nothing but the sting, The cold frail bite of the winter. We are the frail men. Waves of change crash against the walls of the weak And they forfeit their life to ideas the ocean has yet to claim. With every moment that passes the fires of time are stoked, Who can hide from thing only death finds a friend. II Men who fought long battles have realized the war was with themselves, And the fields are strewn with meaningless endeavor. Who can forget the pride once felt When all around you is a plague, All around you is a fault. Misplaced in a circle of lasting deceit The trust of a vagrant becomes so rich What fault can men find in the eyes of friendship When they have made an enemy of everything Death. The ruler of life is death, crowned by the mortality of souls, It's tower rises above the land of the living. Yet ere the table of wrath holds court, death still slips the poison. III shameless men now here the cry. men of shelter Men of shame Men of weakness Men of change Fields of anger Sewn in blood Men of power Men of god Men of frailty Fruitless vine Men on consience Men of mind Forgone anger Turned to dust Men of hatred Men of lust Men of blood Men of pain Men of death Gone insane IV The Man of Hope Man of hope O' Man of hope Burn nothing but the gardens The stakes of wilted valour Parched by the dust of wind the veil of the selfish still unravels to a thread, while the cup of envy passes Who can say they are not hollow, What man has not suffered an empty void. What man can stand up and say I am not empty. They glance with the eyes of hypocrisy , Forgone by a bitter end But they cannot say, The fallen man is me. |
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| © Copyright 2006 Russell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
This was a bit too long and complicated to me. The short line consecutives were not needed and you need to get your point across stronger. I did not see a consistant topic or point of view. Imagery is stronger. but would be stronger if you simplifed this more |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
Cool. What did you think of the unconventional structre? |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Russel Hey, man, what's up? I'm going to agree with rhia. I think that you could have said what you needed to in about half the time. There were some sentence structure issues. At times I felt that I needed conjuctions or articles that were left out. So, yeah... Structure was different. The double space thing made the read quite choppy. I wasn't sure what purpose was served by changing to a couplet format later on. I'd go back and think about what you really want to say and revise from there. Welcome to the forum CS |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
I don't seeing what you're saying. The poem is divided in sections, each one saying something different about emotions felt by people who have failed. The last verse ties everything in.The nararator finally concludes that the one who has fallen is him. I understand what your saying about structer, double-spacing, and paragraphs sometimes not connecting, but the poem is honestly more about images than words. As far as changing the format goes, well, why did Leonardo paint the Mona Lisa with a smile? |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
But it is choppy, if you are going to write it that way you need to tie each section to the next let us be able to connect it in our minds. Absolutely don't make us have to take lots of time to figure out why stanza 4 is related to stanza 7 and so on . Its too complicated, simplify it. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Frankly, it's not about anything if your reader doesn't understand or respond. I'll read it again and try to see what you're getting at. cs |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
I did some revision. Read it now. I voices echo across the desert, Finding the wind a bitter friend. Lives that remain have alas escaped, but still they are lost, Still they forget. Wise men struggle and cling to their complacent thoughts, And the rocks that were their foundations begin to crumble. Men whose pride only gold could tarnish flee from tides of suffering, And the those who are blind stumble away. We are the fallen men, The stiff men. Staked in fields of desolation we feel nothing but the sting, The cold frail bite of the winter. We are the frail men. II Men who fought long battles have realized the war was with themselves, And the fields are strewn with meaningless endeavor. Who can forget the pride once felt When all around you is a plague, All around you is a fault. Trust misplaced in a circle of deceit, How rich becomes the vagrant. What fault can men find in the eyes of friendship, When they have made an enemy of everything. An enemy of Death. The ruler of life is death, crowned by the mortality of souls, It's tower rises above the land of the living. Yet ere the table of wrath holds court, death still slips the poison. III shameless men now here the cry: men of shelter Men of shame Men of weakness Men of change Fields of anger Sewn in blood Men of power Men of god Men of frailty Fruitless vine Men on consience Men of mind Forgone anger Turned to dust Men of hatred Men of lust Men of blood Men of pain Men of death Gone insane IV The Man of Hope Man of hope O' Man of hope Burn nothing but the gardens The stakes of wilted valour Parched by the dust of wind Can you see the veil? the veil of the selfish, unraveling to a thread, while the cup of envy passes spilling not a drop. Who can say they are not wicked, What man has not suffered an empty void. What man can stand up and say I am not empty. They glance with the eyes of hypocrisy , But they cannot say, The fallen man is me. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm still trying to figure out what's so unconventional here. What rules of poetry were broken here? Oh, and where can I find the rule book?  If you want unconventional maybe put it in the form of an index. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Russel The format change helped to ease the read. Here's a few things - 1. there are two spaces in Sec 1 L3 between that and remain. 2. I don't like the repetition of the word "fault" in Sec 2 L5 and L8. It's too close to use a word which has many substitutes. 3. S2 sec 2 is great. Wonderful thought simply put. 4 The slant rhyme in section 3 doesn't seem like it's working. Is there are reason for it? 5. The payoff in the final section wasn't big enough for me. I didn't see is as a huge revelation. I was invested enough for it to be a big deal. I think that you are getting your point across (after further reading), but I wonder if you couldn't combine sections to make it a better picture. Right now it's kinda Yadayadayada And then---- Yadayadayada That's what I think. Think about the combining thing. Glad you're here. CS |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
Thanks for that great input. That's why I'm here, to recieve critism that actually helps me evolve my work. |
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Russell8624 Member
since 2006-11-28
Posts 99Minnesota |
By the way, Section II is actually refering to men who condem homosexuality. I am not that way myself, but I do not look down on those who are. Who are we to condem love and friendship, Gay or not, when all we do is find reasons to hate others. Just thought I'd let you in on the more subtle things in the poem. Peace. |
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