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Critical Analysis #2
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Untitled - please help me improve
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Untitled - please help me improve |
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Shaddow1 Junior Member
since 2006-09-04
Posts 41Kingman Az, USA |
Ok this poem is kinda old and I know it needs some work so please Give me any advice you all have. I am open to anything. BE BRUTIAL lmao :P.. and maybe you guys can help me with a name >.< As the lightning strikes I look into the night I watch the rain fall And wash away my dreams I used to think That I could be Anything that I wanted to be But I grew up And realized That the dreamer’s dream’s Are only in the dreamer’s eyes Now I look back that side of me No I won’t go back To the way I used to be I believe now More then I ever have You were wrong mom Soon you will see I can become a better me I have worked so hard Waited so long Everything’s better now Nothing can go wrong. My son at my side 17 year old mom I’m still not slowing down Not now not ever Going to school going to school Working all night My dream will still come true I don’t care if you disbelieve I get better day in day out I practice in the dead of night Soon mother soon It is my dream to write! Love is like a Rose; it always dies - Britney Miller |
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| © Copyright 2006 Britney Anne Miller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Shaddow1 Junior Member
since 2006-09-04
Posts 41Kingman Az, USA |
sorry didnt mean to leave a coment i was tryin to add this to my library.. could a moderator please delete ti for me? thank you. |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
Your reality is to make the dream come true, this you do for your self, not for others, for by making your dream come true, you complete yourself? Visions of my future? |
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raff214 Junior Member
since 2006-09-05
Posts 11Az,USA |
It seems a little disjointed, which is why you may be having difficulty finding a title. I've found that when a piece has a "heart" the title announces itself. Also the repeated use of the same word or forms of the same word may be creating difficulty with the piece. Perhaps if you found another way to discuus dreams or dreamers which you use four times in the first section. You have a good subject matter, when someone writes about what they know it allows for a passionate treatment of the subject. Good luck. I'd like to read this when you finish. |
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Shaddow1 Junior Member
since 2006-09-04
Posts 41Kingman Az, USA |
well when I wrote this poem I wrote it in 3 parts. The first section was when I was a lot younger. You know when your Dreams matter to you the most. When you are just a youngin not really knowing what you want to be, just that you want to be everything. It's about me dreaming of what I will become but always being cut down and told I will never get there. The second section is Me realizing that my mom was wrong. That I finally saw through her Put down attitude and regained confidence in myself and the third section is talking about present time. How even though Some unexpected things may have happened I still can and will work at making my dreams real. It tells about how I work hard and reach closer and closer to my Dream of being a writer. That nothing can stop me but me and that I know that now. I hope that helps you all understand the poem a little better.. It isnt one of my best but hey. every poem counts because it means your a poem closer to writing a master piece. :P thanks for the comment's already posted and the ones not yet posted. Love is like a Rose; it always dies - Britney Miller |
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athlone New Member
since 2006-09-12
Posts 3Israel |
How about: My Dream As the lightning strikes I look into the night. I watch the rain fall Washing away my dreams. I used to think That I could be Anything that I wanted to be But I grew up And realized That the dreamer’s dreams Are only in the dreamer’s eyes I look back at that side of me and, no, I won’t go back To the way I used to be I believe now More then I ever have that you were wrong, mom. Soon you will see I can become a better me. I have worked so hard, and waited so long. Everything’s better now, Nothing can go wrong. With my son at my side, A 17 year old mom I’m still not slowing down Not now not ever Going to school during the day Working all night My dream will still come true. Even if you disbelieve I improve day in day out I practice in the dead of night Soon mother soon I'll realize my dream to write! Zvi www.poetrypages4u.com |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
“It isnt one of my best but hey. every poem counts because it means your a poem closer to writing a master piece.” WRONG! Wrong wrong wrong wrong! All I need to do said the fly, as he trekked round and round the bottom of the glass jar, is just keep walking, and in the end I’ll get out of here. Wake yourself up from the two dimensional world of “I” and “me”. Simply writing self indulgent rubbish like this over and over will get you precisely nowhere. And if people praise you for it it will damage your prospects of ever being able to write interestingly. You need a ladder to climb out of the jar and that ladder is to quit writing for a while and start reading. Read good contemporary poetry - lots of it. Read a poetry handbook or two or three. Oh yes, and learn how to punctuate. Who are you reading now? M |
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Shaddow1 Junior Member
since 2006-09-04
Posts 41Kingman Az, USA |
Moon beam i know i am a good poet... sometimes.. but at least I try and I do get better with every poem I right.. I may not be the next poe or remembered at all but I know I have gotton much better and will continue to get better with my poetry. As for that "fly", he has wings. He can fly out, he doesn't have to walk. This isn't a recent poem. I wrote this when I was 12 but I figured it had potential so i asked for help. Do not judge me by one poem but by all of my poems.. Thank You Love is like a Rose; it always dies - Britney Miller |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
He has wings? Not if they are clipped. Who are you reading now? Use a spellchecker. M |
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raff214 Junior Member
since 2006-09-05
Posts 11Az,USA |
Shaddow, first off let me say that I am by no means a proffesional poet. That being said, I believe that NO-ONE can tell you that your work is "rubbish". I dare say that neither Whitman nor Angelou would ever presume to tell someone what Moonbeam has said to you. To be truly self indulgent is to think that your opinion of someone elses work truly matters. Some paintings, some words, some views affect people in a positive way. Some people require to be lead fully down a path. Others like to catch a bare glimpse or two of the road that they think is simply theirs. I'm sorry that I didn't see this flagrant rudeness before. Please continue to speak from your heart. The feelings are there. It's simply a matter of time until you find the proper vocabulary to make a song. Ohh, and the next time someone attacks your puncuation ask them if E.E. Cummings was a fool. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Raff this subject has already been talked and talked and talked. For a brief history lesson chekc the Cataracts thread where there are about six pages of sparring and explaination. Let us leave the sleeping dogs lie. CS |
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