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Critical Analysis #2
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"A Wound Through the Hour Glass"
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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"A Wound Through the Hour Glass" |
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Khatharsis Junior Member
since 2006-05-21
Posts 42 |
Life can leak in a drop of a bloody pint The ink in my words have incised upon my soused lip Dampening upon the surface when each tear drips Soaked in my wound that tares deeper through my limbs A surging quest in reason why my life’s of a glass It is my ornament of this question, "Why the blood in the sand?" I can’t grasp it as it slips through the cracks of my hand A sinking feeling of fallen through my feet, but here I stand I attempt to pause the spinning coil that I trust As life dictates it, I’m being washed away and blown to dust The draining of my soul is in my own flesh and blood Death in rebirth with a flip of the hour glass soon begins to flood… |
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| © Copyright 2006 Khatharsis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I commend you on the much better presentation. I think you followed up on better construction all around. I'm not certain what exactly you are trying to convey--but hey? Nobody ever knows what the heck I'm talking about either.  But your strong opening lines to your stanzas are testimony to a much more thoughtful poem. If you take the first three lines, and put them together, you have a bit of poetry all on its own: "Life can leak in a drop of a bloody pint A surging quest in reason why my life’s of a glass I attempt to pause the spinning coil that I trust" In fact, this fits well with the second lines as well: The ink in my words have incised upon my soused lip It is my ornament of this question, "Why the blood in the sand?" As life dictates it, I’m being washed away and blown to dust Hmmm. And I'm thinking as I type here, but let's just continue on, "Dampening upon the surface when each tear drips I can’t grasp it as it slips through the cracks of my hand The draining of my soul is in my own flesh and blood" and on to the last: "Soaked in my wound that tares deeper through my limbs A sinking feeling of fallen through my feet, but here I stand Death in rebirth with a flip of the hour glass soon begins to flood…" Interesting. I love when something can stand on its own, but I am fascinated with how neatly this poem can be re-arranged, and I actually understood it better that way--look at it all together and see what I mean: Life can leak in a drop of a bloody pint A surging quest in reason why my life’s of a glass I attempt to pause the spinning coil that I trust The ink in my words have incised upon my soused lip It is my ornament of this question, "Why the blood in the sand?" As life dictates it, I’m being washed away and blown to dust Dampening upon the surface when each tear drips I can’t grasp it as it slips through the cracks of my hand The draining of my soul is in my own flesh and blood Soaked in my wound that tares deeper through my limbs A sinking feeling of fallen through my feet, but here I stand Death in rebirth with a flip of the hour glass soon begins to flood… Note that I didn't change anything but the order of the lines. I'm not suggesting that you change it to suit my preference either. I simply understood the poem better this way. Tighter punctuation (and hey, I'm a punctuation FREAK, so don't mind me--it's just something that is now a "thing" with me--I would still lose that last ellipsis, to make a rock solid ending, as the thought expressed, I feel, would be stronger with the more pragmatic "period". Please note I am not suggesting you change this to suit ME. I'm just as confused as anybody else, and on a bad day, moreso. I just thought I would share what I did to understand your work as it was. I think it is a credit to your construction that it would make sense that way as well. In all, I did enjoy this much more than your first post, and applaud you for the thoughtfulness. There are a few lines I'm not crazy about, but they did convey your intent, and that's enough for me. For now. I enjoyed.  And thanks for allowing me to entertain myself with mixing and matching. (That's just another quirk of mine and I have many, so I hope it didn't bother you that I did that.) I found your work interesting, and congratulations too, on presentation. |
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Khatharsis Junior Member
since 2006-05-21
Posts 42 |
I appreciate the comments and the mixing an matching. In all, i hope that others take each line and mix it with the next, because every line relates to the next and makes the poem as a whole. So i encourage that. I appreciate the dedicated response and thorough insight on what you were explaining. much much much appreciated! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I just really enjoyed how the focus on this worked. I do enjoy it as is, I just did the re-arranging to emphasize that there was indeed a linear pattern that might not be apparent--sort of like one of those lacy crotchet stitches. (Rumor has it I like my own life a little loose as well.  )Thank you very much for sharing and for generously allowing me to have a little fun. |
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