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Built on Frail Bliss
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Built on Frail Bliss |
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lifeonly Junior Member
since 2006-10-18
Posts 18Ontario, Canada |
I'm a new poster on here, but I've lurked around these forums to know that if I want to improve then Critical Analysis is the place to be. Any thoughts and critiques on the poem will be greatly appreciated. Built on Frail Bliss Those souls whose lives are dated plans in skies, where craft abides with whirring, buried minds, can't think the thoughts to capture means and dreams or mother qualities the rapture finds. Scholars will look on Escher's odd divines and publish drafts with gauge and lines in pen. While voices draw the craving needle near, for one more kick of mirth, then down again. And tomorrow’s pretentious means will sing; a little knowledge was a blissful thing. |
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| © Copyright 2006 Jeff - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
Nice poem, though in my opinion you could improve it by changing the form by shortening each line to soften the flow, I can probably show it better than explain it: Those souls whose lives are plans in skies, where craft abides with whirring minds, can't think the thoughts to capture dreams or qualities that rapture finds. Can you hear the difference that removing two syllables per line gives the piece? I guess in the end it depends on how much you want to adhere to your original form but it is an option. hope that helps |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Can't agree with you here Grinch. With the exception of lines 5 and 9, this is quite good iambic pentameter. In fact, the flaw in L5 could almost be overlooked although a fix should be pretty easy. L9, however, will need to be rewritten. Instead of shortening the lines, considering the subject matter, I would lean toward adding another quatrain and making a good sonnet.  |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Grinch, Sorry, but not all poems are built around four metric feet as seems to be your preference. Liveonly, You were obviously going for iambic pentameter, and achieved it perfectly in the first stanza. The first bump comes in the S2L1, where you suddenly begin with a Trochee, or Dactyl, depending on how one chooses to read it. Either way it throws your rhythm off. The next three lines are again back on track with perfect Iambic tempo, then you stray again in the first line of the final couplet where you reverse course and begin with an Anapest--shorting your line to four feet. Yet you end the final line in perfect Iambic Pentameter again. An example of a quick fix for the first bump, (S2L1) would be to delete a word while adding another. Instead of: Scholars will look on Escher's odd divines Instead consider something such as: While scholars look on Escher's odd divines For the second, an example would follow the same suggestion of deleting a word while adding another. Instead of: And tomorrow’s pretentious means will sing; Something like: tomorrow, those pretentious means will sing; I myself detest anyone changing lines or words while critiquing my poetry. So take this in the spirit intended: In the end, your poem has to breathe with the spirit you alone give it, therefore consider these as merely suggestions. With the metric bumps fixed, this poem will read as a sort of mini-Sonnet, in almost perfect Iambic Pentameter and the epigrammatic couplet at the end. Someone else may yet find something I've overlooked in this, but I feel that as a fixed form, this poem was well done overall. Thanks for allowing us to scrutinize it a bit. Sid |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: I was actually about to suggest the same thing, Pete and posted before reading your comments. I didn't suggest however because I didn't wish to stray from the essential points in my own critique. In reworking it as a full Sonnet however, the poet would then also need to change the rhyme scheme. Yet, it does seem apparent to me as well, that the author has the potential to do just that. Sid |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
quote: That's found so commonly in iambic pentameter, Sid, that they've given it a name: Trochaic inversion. Shakespeare is especially renown for his metrical variations (read Sonnet 29 in particular), but he is certainly not alone. In Donne's Holy Sonnet XIV, for example, he starts the poem with a trochee to lend greater weight to the verb, and Carroll does much the same in Jabberwocky with "Come to my arms, my beamish boy!" Personally, I think a poem that religiously adheres to any standard meter is a bit like a paragraph where every word is typeset as bold; nothing is allowed to stand out as more important than the rest. In my opinion, the only thing wrong with breaking meter is unintentionally breaking meter. I think L5 works quite well with the inversion. I'm not quite so sure about L9, though, and unfortunately I don't see any easy rewrite that doesn't also carry a cost. The conjunction, I think, is meaningful. I would probably experiment with replacing tomorrow's with future's and then look for a polysyllable more concrete than means? Just by the by, I particularly enjoyed the soft alliteration in the opening, culminating in the harder sounds of craft and buried. Very nice.  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, you're right, Sid, on making a sonnet. The rhyme scheme would have to be changed. Good observation. Not sure how I so easily missed that one. And you're right too, Ron. L5 is acceptable as I hinted above. One or sometimes even two of these variations can be accepted, especially when there is a reason for it. In this case, I see emphasis as a valid reason. Such a thing should not be overdone, however. L9 definately needs work. I failed to mention above that I found this quite enjoyable. Welcome to CA, lifeonly. Hope to see much more from you. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Were this a longer poem or a Shakespearean Sonnet, I would agree with using Trochaic inversion as well as other means such as to, "…employ a caesura, use run-on lines and vary the degrees of accent by skillful word selection to modify the rhythmic pattern..." as a means of varying the meter. This is neither, therefore I believe such bumps, however slight, are merely a distraction. Jabberwockey has a different scansion altogether and shouldn't be used as a comparison. Good points of reference nonetheless, Ron. Glad you could make time to visit, as a critic this time. (No, there was no sarcasm intended either!) Sid |
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lifeonly Junior Member
since 2006-10-18
Posts 18Ontario, Canada |
Thank you for the comments, critiques and words of welcome. They were encouraging and helpful. I agree that L9 will need some work, applying the concept of meter is somewhat new to me and I still have difficulties sometimes finding the stresses in words over two syllables long and I simply scanned "tomorrow" incorrectly. I enjoyed Sid's rewrite of the line and I may use it, or a variation of it, in my own rewrite. This poem came from an assignment given in my creative writing class in which we were told to take a common proverb, change it in some way, and then write a ten line poem around the new meaning of the proverb. Since it was a ten line poem, I chose this "mini-sonnet" form to fit into the ten lines. I'm fond of the poem, so I think I will expand it into a full sonnet as some of you suggested. This will, as Sid said, allow the metrical variation in L5 come off smoother. When I'm finished the rewrite I will post the new poem in this thread. In the meantime critiques and ideas are still most welcome. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This poem got me to spend some time with Escher's work, that's a good thing. Glad I waited to post after your explanation. My biggest problem is that last line, it turns some interesting speculation into something trite. In the rewrite, I suggest that you dispense with the rules of the exercise and write the poem. |
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