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opre roma
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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opre roma |
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gypsyheartx Member
since 2006-02-09
Posts 104Istanbul-Turkey/U.S.-Maryland 
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my people are hated so far and so wide a stereotype so barren and old a hate so strong and so cold we need to break free. dust rains from the sky as the heavens open up to the gypsy kind you may look down upon me as we pass on the street i remember every single hating face i meet don't taunt don't torture but don't leave me alone for gypsies can love it is easily shown just look to the sky and remember my name for i'll travel and travel and end up the same dark beauty that wallows round spun threads of gold reminds me of stories that i have been told your hate is a trap that only you must escape from it's not me, it's you thats provoking this hatred i'm still searching, still searching for people who understand that God gave us music God gave a us souls God gave us people both young and old so next time you think about hating my kind remember to open your eyes and never be blind. ~opre roma~ |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
The ending could use a bit of work I think, the poem had flavor untill that last bit. I think it could still be a part of the poem but maybe not the ending. It was weak compared to the rest. What does Opre Roma mean? Also it is all centered on hate, what about adding ignorance into the mix, or hidden beauty, what if it is not hate, and they just don't know. Explore, describe , show us. Some of the imagery is actually pretty good though. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Hi. Rhia had a good point there you know. This is indeed all centered around that emotion we call “hate”. A fairly abstract concept. On the plus side you have some nice rhythm going here, typified by: reminds me of stories that i have been told re MINDS me of STOR ies that I have been TOLD lots of dactyls, giving an appropriate dreamy quality to the piece. The meter needs some work though, as does the rhyme, as does the punctuation, and some of the statements are mundane, verging on the cliche. Let’s do some work on this. How about answering Rhia’s question. Then we’ll go from there. Best. Moonbeam |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
'Opra Roma' means loosly 'Rise up Roma' by which most Gypsies are typified as Rom or Roma. I do agree on perhaps the need for capitalization and punctuation, since you do have the single period after one line, but a distinct lack thereafter. That would lend a greater quality when read verbally to truly indicate line stops and pauses instead of a perpetuating runon sentence. I disagree with the prior critiques as the rhyme and meter are accidental at best, i.e. not deliberate mechanicals. Which is just fine for free verse or stream of consciousness. Not all poetry needs confinement within finite structures and methodologies. Granted, that makes critiquing such a right bugger, but is still doable to some extent. So my thoughts are to insert capitalization to indicate fresh lines (doesn't matter if it's at the beginning or further on) as well as usage of punctuation (not just periods, but also commas and semicolons) to indicate to the reader where to stop, pause, take a breath. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
At least no need for complete disagreement with me Alicat. I think we at least partly agree. And I entirely agree with you about poetry not being confined. Whether or not that makes critiquing harder or easier, humm, not sure, personally I think I find free verse easier to comment on for the simple reason that I'm not nearly as familiar with the rules of formality as I should be. Where we might disagree is about the rhyme in this. Perhaps the rhyme IS accidental, but in a poem of 39 lines the poet has 18 end stopped rhymes or very near rhymes. That’s 46%. If that’s accidental it’s too much IMO for “free verse” to “survive” as free. Similarly there are some extremely rhythmically regular passages (which I like) which again mitigate against a “free” interpretation. I’m not saying I dislike it vehemently, I’m not saying it’s “wrong” - I’m just saying that for this reader, it’s neither one thing nor the other, and that, for me, presents a somewhat annoying distraction. Personally I think this could be good as a more formal poem. But right now, as I said before, the rhyme needs some work. End-stopped rhyme is hard to do well and some of these are altogether too predictable. There again in free verse it could be nice too. Before all that however, I agree with Rhia, the fundamental message is clouded by repeated references to an abstraction. It would be very pleasant to hear from the poet on this. Any thoughts Gypsy? M [This message has been edited by moonbeam (10-12-2006 04:17 PM).] |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I have to side with M on this one. If the rhyme became more regular, it would allow the reader to fall into a nice rhythm as they read. As it stands, you start to get into a rhythm and then you are jerked the other direction when the scheme goes sideways. The other thing that is causing me to bumble is the lack of coherence inside of the stanzas (strophes/tropes - not sure the right word here) Example: quote: We're talking about stories told and then (without the benefit of a blinker) we turn off and start in with the hate. It seems a little off. Just my thoughts during lunch. CS |
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gypsyheartx Member
since 2006-02-09
Posts 104Istanbul-Turkey/U.S.-Maryland |
Rhia- Thank you very much, I do believe I will have to work on the ending. This poem is completely in "raw" form  So any help is greatly appreciates. And yes, Opre Roma means "Rise up Roma". Thanks. |
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gypsyheartx Member
since 2006-02-09
Posts 104Istanbul-Turkey/U.S.-Maryland |
Moonbeam- Very good point. It shouldnt necessarily revolve around hate, I should try expanding the idea of what "racism really is". Yes, I agree the punctuation reallly needs work. Any ideas would be awesome, I'm not quite sure where this poem is going yet... |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
gypsy? I am smiling so wide here, because, and Alicat can attest to this, you look so much like my daughter that I thought for a couple of days you might be her. I even showed her your picture and she was so stunned by the resemblence she saved it. Not even kidding. But it was more than the pic that felt familiar--you see, we are recent Katrina "refugees" or "evacuees"--what you are termed is entirely dependant on the amount of money and the glory of your reservations--but the opening stanza of your poem threw me a bit there-- "my people are hated so far and so wide a stereotype so barren and old a hate so strong and so cold" I really thought this was her, as we had discussed moving, but my daughter and son both protested that they would be peer targets--no matter where we went. A Scarlett Letter K--if you will. I confess all of your verse spoke to my cajun heart too, as one who has been sent packing too many times, and it gets in your blood, it truly does-- your following two stanzas are quite nice but I love the bridge/reprisal of this: "don't taunt don't torture but don't leave me alone for gypsies can love it is easily shown just look to the sky and remember my name for i'll travel and travel and end up the same" This had traditional rhythms and musicality about it, and easily translates to major chord. What stumped me was the lack of construction in the following stanzas, and I think a repetitive stanza would also underscored the melodic quality of this, but otherwise, I truly thought it quite nice, and rather hobbit like. (I hope that is a compliment to you, it is to me.)  |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Gypsy It's really great to see you back responding to the comments on your poem. Karen has made some good points which I agree with. I'm normally a free verse fanatic, but in this case I think I'd try on build on the music and pacing that you've already got in this, and, like I said before go for something a mite more formal. I love the dactyls that you have here. DUM da da Are you following me on that? Sorry if I'm teaching you to suck eggs, but it's difficult not knowing how much you know about meter to advise. Let me know. As for the rhyme I think you just need to work on making it as natural as possible. There's nothing worse in a poem than when it's very obvious that a poet has simply chosen a word to fit in with the rhyming scheme. I'm not suggesting you've done that here, but I think it could be improved a little. Best. M |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm dissatisfied here. What about sharing with us some of your cherished moments that you consider to be uniquely gypsy? That is, I've never found telling people not to hate to be a very persausive tool. Showing them why the hatred is simply incoherent makes more sense. No? |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Heh. Brad said it before me. I was making lunch and I thought I forgot to re-iterate about the "hate" thing. If you really have to tell us about hate don't tell us. Show us what hate means to you. Blackberrying The blackberries were heavy that year weighing the bramble stems at the tips to touch earth. We gathered bowlfuls, stretching across the volts of the wire until you touched it, alarm like a current zigzagging over your face. And then some guy crooked as his stick barrelling down the fence line yelling that it was all his fruit. Afterwards, safe in a copse, you swore his teeth were thorns, his face purpling and over ripe with fury. ....... Ok, I just typed that straight into the window here. It's not good, but I'm trying to show you that by describing an incident in a certain way you can show the emotion you want to convey and make it memorable. Go to it! M |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Plath fan, M? :} |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Brad Actually I'm not, except possibly vicariously in so far as she influenced Hughes. I have read Blackberrying, but so long ago I had forgotten, Heaney's too, and Oliver's; so many in fact - do the influences ever end? Bloom would say not I think. M |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
This isn't that bad. It just needs some more time and care, especially with sentence structure and focus. It jumps from one aspect to another far too quickly, without giving any depth or illumination on any given point. For example, it tries to describe the people, a stereotype and hate of the people, and a need to break free of those, all in the first sentence. That makes the sentence very messy. I think the first sentence, even perhaps the whole poem, may be better if it just focused on giving insight about the people you are talking about and how they are facing the world. Things like: "dust rains from the sky as the heavens open up to the gypsy kind" Don't seem to have any "rhyme or reason". You could post this as a little Gypsy Haiku and no one would know it was meant to be part of a larger poem. There needs to be more focus and development from one point to another to let the reader know why you are saying what you are saying. Otherwise the poem only says it without interesting the reader with any insight or depth. Also I think most of the repetitions may be removed: "it's not me, it's you" "don't taunt don't torture but don't leave me alone" "travel and travel" "i'm still searching, still searching" "God gave us music God gave a us souls God gave us people" Those kind of repetitions make for an empty dramatic effect and take away from giving depth to the poem. Nevertheless I enjoyed this poem. I hope you keep working on it, Gypsy. |
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