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sacrament
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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sacrament |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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He spoke. He sang notation as was written by the angels. His eyes were sad reprisal, glad, swallowing the angles of the sky in points of light in cries of "why-oh-why-can't-I" Life illumination died, fingered as a matchhead fried bubbled in the spoon of sighs like the bridge and sewerage and death became romanticized as ritual devotion. "We ought to say a prayer," I said. I pulled the strap of that-is-that. Savoring the taste of him once more on a "spin again" as all his friends were gathering nodding in agreement and toasting him in memory- witnessed by the drool. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
ah...I guess there's nothing wrong with this one.  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Aha, probably not a completely valid assumption, Karen. Although I can't see much wrong but you have to keep in mind that I'm no expert on free verse. I am confused by L2. It seems a stretch for eyes to be both sad and glad in the same sentence, in fact, placed almost back-to-back. Also angles of the sky just doesn't work for me. As I study the sky, I can see almost anything I imagine except for angles. Also, farther down, shouldn't that be sewage instead of sewerage? Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Sorry, Karen...I read and reread this, but kept getting mixed images, almost conflicting, and find it hard to see the feelings or the meaning you tried to put into this. Of course, it might just be me.  Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
sew¡Eer¡Eage /ˈsuərɪdʒ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[soo-er-ij] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation ¡Vnoun 1. the removal of waste water and refuse by means of sewers. 2. a system of sewers. 3. sewage. (sorry if that looks screwy to you, I just copied and pasted) but yes, you are right, although swallowing the angles, was metaphorical, to indicate someone who had studied the art of the con, and knew how to appear innocent, even though his word and demeanor were totally contradicted by his actions. But nodding, you are right, the glad, was too...I dunno, neat, or something, but I wanted to foreshadow the contradictory nature of the guy, but I agree with you, I could have done that better with a more thoughtful choice. I'll be thinking on that one. Thanks Pete.  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
hmmm... I guess this would be confusing, and I agree with Sid, if I have to explain it, it's not done well. The poem is about a guy who preached Christianity while shooting dope. I hope that's within guidelines, as I don't believe it is a glorification of drugs or the drug lifestyle. I had hoped to convey contradiction, which I succeeded in doing, so THAT was successful I guess, what was less apparent was my personal disgust. Another journal entry I guess. *shrug* I'll try to work on that. Sadly I am sure I'll have more "inspiration".  |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Love that Mann quote. Um, I think the poem should be longer. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Dang Brad, you just pinched the central pillar of my four page crit. Heh. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Karen, I should have gone with my first instinct... Then, reading your first reply, it kicked in. I take back my previous words. The images of a dying junkie, and the casual manner in which his friends handle it is actually pretty great. I especially liked the quote. Nice work. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
thanks  and Pete? To give ya some idea of how long I think about things, I have decided you were right about this line: "His eyes were sad reprisal, glad, swallowing the angles" but only halfway. It did need some clarification. I happen to think a well placed comma and a dash can do that: "His eyes were sad, reprisal--glad, swallowing the angles" Tell me if you think I'm wrong, but what I'm trying to depict is pain diminishment...and--death. The open eyed look of wonder found in junkies, and corpses. (Sometimes I think a lonnnnnnnnnnnng time)  thanks again all.  ? |
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