»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
one for the piper
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
one for the piper |
|
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
|
*Brad had said he thought "sacrament" should be longer, and I thought, that since both poems had the same source of inspiration, perhaps I just inadvertantly wrote two poems that might have worked better as one?* dunno, but here's the other: one for the piper I see. This is your sign to me. Upward in mobility nice to see y'gotta goal phalange phallically in bold as you cross your eyes to see volcanoes in reverse contained as you justify your nose blistering the callouses useful as a valve and those are blisters bubbling beneath the heroes of what used to be values on a flute and keys; dancing like a lephrachaun in the woods and canopied kicking at the autumn leaves falling one by one by two as you jazzed the point of moot as if you had them hypnotized or strung upon some fishing twine a trick that they would dance in rhyme of rhythm rocking like the girls who did the dances of rockettes somewhere in your mind... a woman's selling cigarettes in a tray beneath her breasts enticing you and so sublime: offering a flame and glitz a single moment glance of bliss empying your pockets is rabid rabbits preciousness when she bends invitingly and can-you-have-some-more? Later I will hold your head to the center of my chest rocking you to comfortless as y'suckle at my breasts dead and dry and wiltedness: I wince the pain of all your greed as our eyes are entertained by that fantasy of sweet comfort and fulfillment freed from the anger of the need (release us) anguish of the flesh-- and pipers do not pray the bead but bend the reed to test the test as if someone were keeping score. * * * And some of ya'll have read "sacrament" but I'll repost it here so they might be viewed together more easily: He spoke. He sang notation as was written by the angels. His eyes were sad reprisal, glad, swallowing the angles of the sky in points of light in cries of "why-oh-why-can't-I" Life illumination died, fingered as a matchhead fried bubbled in the spoon of sighs like the bridge and sewerage and death became romanticized as ritual devotion. "We ought to say a prayer," I said. I pulled the strap of that-is-that. Savoring the taste of him once more on a "spin again" as all his friends were gathering nodding in agreement and toasting him in memory- witnessed by the drool. * * * It is of the same inspiration, sort of. Um, the first poem has yet to be critiqued--and both are drug related, but two different drugs, and I was wondering, since my theme seems to be contradiction, should I fuse the two? Or should the whole damned mess be scrapped? And I'll be reading to return the favor. Thanks in advance. And OH. One more question, as I think Pete has the same problem, when one critiques free verse--could someone please help me as to what construes a proper critique on a poem which maintains form as the poet's prerogative? Thanks again. |
||
| © Copyright 2006 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Karen I can't do these justice for a few days, and I'm sure in the interim you'll get lots of insightful replies. Right now I'm struggling with my dim wits to understand your question here: "One more question, as I think Pete has the same problem, when one critiques free verse--could someone please help me as to what construes a proper critique on a poem which maintains form as the poet's prerogative?" Are you asking how to crit free verse? Or are you asking how to crit formal poetry? Or are you asking something else? Sorry to be thick. Btw I am not sure that there is such a thing as a "proper crit" I thought Brad made a useful point in The Alley: quote: M |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I was looking for suggestions on how to critique free verse. Your wits ain't dim--I wasn't being clear. And thanks for taking the time, MB. I actually do appreciate your thoughtfulness to take the time. |
||
|
moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Thanks for clarifying Karen. Your poems are challenging and long, that's why I have to take time. Plus I happen to be trying to finish three of my own before Monday. On critiquing. Go with the flow! Did I say that flow word just then - geez. Just say what you like and dislike and try and say why. And also what Brad said. If it helps to have a structure to "work to" maybe my guideline thingy might help. It's not perfect but it's a start. It's also pretty much a well trodden path for beginner (or even not so beginner) critics. It's here M |
||
|
serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thank you. I'll keep that as referral for future critiques. And my apologies for asking for a lengthy critique when I didn't have time to return the favor to rhia, too. (I'm working on other stuff too. So thanks to those of you who do have the time for this one as I have managed to perplex MYSELF with these two.  )And? I have to put on a mommy suit and go cook supper. Or throw it out the back door. Mom's moody lately.  |
||
|
JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I didn’t comment on “sacrament” when you first posted it not because I didn’t like it, I really did, but because I don’t know enough yet to offer a meaningful critique and I didn’t want to offend by doing a fluff. That said, my motto now is better a sincere comment light than no comment at all.  The only problem I had with “sacrament”, and I’m sure it’s just me, is that I didn’t catch right off the fact that the dearly departed was a preacher. My duh. I find your poems to be a challenge in the best sort of way. They make me think, delve deep, and explore every word to get the meaning. I’d much rather do that than read something so obvious it’s boring. Your poems, at least the ones I’ve read are very intense and powerful. Combining the two poems might result in something a little overwhelming except for the more experienced poetry reader, unless you did a lot of cutting. I really do look forward to reading more of your work. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
