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Poor Vision (rewrite #2)
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Poor Vision (rewrite #2) |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Okay try number two - Poor Vision It wasn’t a foggy day but her stare cut the distance with unlearned precision. One attention to another in that coy, girl-like fashion which men fail to understand. Senses engage launching Glances at final punctuation of a stare where cessation Caused uneasiness not found in focus. Turning to smile at curious eyes with questions just…below…the…surface - I could almost hear the conversation between receptors that relate without benefit of words. With all of the answers that were to become such - I returned to see if that imperceptible tinge would return wondering how many times the eyes beckoned without so much as a realization from my short-sightedness. The last strophe is still wierd. Take another crack at it. -Oh I like this. Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference? |
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| © Copyright 2006 Dane Barner - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Better much, but I agree though with you on the last stanza. Maybe try to write in prose what you want to say in that stanza, then slowly edit out the words you don't need. Eventually , once it get downs to the last ones, if you have something different then play with it, change it around. If not, if you get the same stanza, maybe try still saying the same thing but change how you say, the context of what you are saying it, why you are staying it. Also, receptors? Come on, sorry but that doesn't seem to fit, and it sounds weak compared to the rest. You write well but with that word it seemed like it lacked effort. The rest of your rewrite , was nice. That is cool that you read what everyone said and really seemed to have tried to reconfigure the poem. It still needs work though. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Rhia re·cep·tor (r-sptr) n. Physiology. A specialized cell or group of nerve endings that responds to sensory stimuli. Biochemistry. A molecular structure or site on the surface or interior of a cell that binds with substances such as hormones, antigens, drugs, or neurotransmitters. I was using receptors in place of eyes for obvious reasons. You always hear people say, " I could tell by her eyes." so that's why I mean by " the receptors that relate without benefit of words." I'm kinda going to stand by that word, at least for now. I am trying to take advice and work things out. Good criticism has been a side effect of all of the wierdness of last week. I'll keep working on the last part - it'll get there. Thanks for the read. CS |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I think you're trying too hard and having to explain too much. If it were my poem, I'd set it aside for a while, move on to something else and then come back to it when my mind was clearer and not so fixated on sticking with words, images and phrases that just don't work. Just my opinion. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
CS, This reads like some pedantic professor’s lecture on animal magnetism rather than a “Love at first sight” poem, which is what I assumed it to be. In your attempts to come up with clever metaphors and similes, you over-complicate your analogies and the lines simply become clumsy. You are indeed trying too hard, beginning with the first line, which is totally unnecessary—as with several other lines throughout the piece. Remove this, or several and nothing is lost. I’m not sure what you mean by the next two lines. How does one’s stare cut distance—and with unlearned precision at that? Sorry, but there has got to be a better way of redoing old clichés in less awkward ways. I came away feeling that you wrote down some quick lines on what you were feeling, then took out your Thesaurus and looked for the most complicated way to restate each. I also think you should put the entire write away for awhile. At least,try writing more simply before attempting a more complex version. Sometimes, simple is simply better. Sid |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
I'm getting that a lot Sid. It's not a love at first sight poem at all. It's just a glance between two people at an airport. To me, it reads very clearly, but if the idea isn't coming out then I'm missing it. I'll put this one to bed for a bit. Thanks for your honest thoughts. CS |
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