Forward - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Critical Analysis #2

Forward

cbautista
Junior Member

since 2006-09-13

Posts 38

0 posted 2006-09-21 09:25 PM

Take one step
Then another
Forward march
The horn blows.

Glance one way
Then change
The sight to turn
The other
Foward march
The horn blows.

Can you see it
The motion, the movement
Everything passing by
Foward march
The horn blows.

Ignatius
Junior Member

since 2006-09-23

Posts 14
OK , USA

1 posted 2006-09-26 10:36 PM

There's a lot potential for this poem. I like how brief the lines are. They can work here, they might need to be reworked...

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

2 posted 2006-09-28 03:53 PM

I like the feel of this one. In the last two stanzas you've left the 'r' out of 'forward' which jarred me. I keep wanting to make it 'Everything is passing by', for the flow. I think, though, as short as it is, you'll need to add some specific descriptives in the last stanza or cut it further. I don't think you can go that long and be that ambiguous.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.