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Critical Analysis #2
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I See
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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I See |
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Brittany Junior Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 32Canada |
I see the pain hidden in her eyes The hurt that tears her up inside I see the fear she tries to hide Her smile is nought but a poor disguise I see her heart break as she turns away And the pain she hides so well I see the defeat hidden inside The hope forever gone I see the weakness hiding inside Behind a façade of strength I see the need in her cold, dead eyes As she thrusts all help away I see the tears begin to appear Tears she won’t let fall I see her drive the pain away Desperate not to reveal the truth All this I see from one quick glance… In the mirror ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know it's not that great, but i really would like it to be, so any help is appreciated. The second line of the second stanza sounds totally out of place, but i cant think of anything else to put there, the last line of that stanza isnt the greatest either. Does it sound too "teen angst"? im trying to get away from that, but its proving harder than i thought. Thanks in advance for your help. |
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| © Copyright 2006 Brittany Hale - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Brittany- Welcome to our little corner of cyberspace. We're glad you came by for a while. I was first very put off by the repetition and all of the "I's." But the pay off was worth it. You caught me off guard with the ending (maybe my naivety), but I really liked it. The formatting is good. I just wish that you had used phrases that were fresher. quote: That's pretty good quote: This is tired. I would encourage you to find a new way of saying these overused ideas and metaphors. Oh, and punctuation. You need some periods - like a lot of them. Okay, I think that's it. cs Who am I if I can't love, What am I if I can't hate, and what is the result when I can't tell the difference? |
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Brittany Junior Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 32Canada |
thanks for your help, i agree it does sound a little tired by the end, maybe i should make it shorter? would it still be as effective if i removed a stanza or two? |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
No, the length is fine. I would just work on the language. Um let's see. quote: When you read this is there a picture that comes to mind? Can you show us that picture? I don't have an emotional attachment to this so it makes it hard to give any suggestion beyond this. Keep swingin' cs |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
Yes, it "sounds too teen angst" and as CS said, it's an old theme without a new twist. But I was very relieved not to have to read forced rhyme.  Try something different. Maybe write about one particular event in the girl's life that kind of explains why she feels so sad. Good luck and keep writing! |
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Brittany Junior Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 32Canada |
I worked on it a bit, and tried to use fresher phrases, and also go a bit more in depth into why she feels this way. is this any better? I see the pain hidden in her eyes The hurt that tears her up inside I see the fear she tries to hide Her smile is nought but a poor disguise I see her heart break as she turns away To hide herself from the world I see the shame upon her face Of the truth she can’t reveal I see the weakness hiding inside Behind a façade of strength I see the yearning concealed so well For the one who hurt her so bad I see the regret of days long past As she watches him walk right by I see the tears begin to arise Tears long buried away I see her fight for composure and strength Trying to prove them all wrong I see her force away all signs Of the anguish she truly feels All this I see from one quick glance… In the mirror |
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rhia_5779 Senior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 1334California |
Wow, you rewrote it well. I see her heart break as she turns away To hide herself from the world I see the shame upon her face Of the truth she can’t reveal I see the weakness hiding inside Behind a façade of strength I see the yearning concealed so well For the one who hurt her so bad I see the regret of days long past As she watches him walk right by I see the tears begin to arise Tears long buried away I see her fight for composure and strength Trying to prove them all wrong I see her force away all signs Of the anguish she truly feels Those stanzas above, wow, they have alot of strength in them. They were hands down very good. Probbaly the best I have seen written by you so far, Brittany, including the stuff in TEEN. The first stanza while it goes together, lacks the power behind it that the other four stanzas have. see the pain hidden in her eyes The hurt that tears her up inside I see the fear she tries to hide Her smile is nought but a poor disguise (The makeup of this line is good, nice twist. ) This stanza seems empty of emotion almost compared to your other stanzas. It also seems very cliche, the idea. Alot of teen poems use the same idea and almost the same words sometimes to describe the same thing. If you are going to write about a very common idea, then change the words, or the aspect to it. Make it different. The stanza itself went together, but it was ok. P.S BRittany , I am really sorry if I already posted to this in TEEN and said different things and it confused you. If I did already tell you something on this poem, then I meant that but what I just said was from stepping back and taking another look at it. Both of what I said I still mean as help. |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Yeah- It's getting better. You are getting away from the tum dee dum repetition. Not bad, but I don't feel sorry enough for you. You start to let us see why you feel this way, but the language isn't strong enough for me. Are you just feeling sorry for yourself, or are you really mad about the whole deal? Why should I take your side? quote: I don't like this stanza because you could use these "tears" for more. Why not use them as a weapon? Show this guys what a horses butt he is. Why do they just have to stay underneath? Maybe try this again - but get mad about it. Feel free to take a look at some of the other writing that is on the board and add your comments. The more you start to think about writing, the more open to improvement you become. cs |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
The repetition of "I see" is excellently annoying. |
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JenniferMaxwell
since 2006-09-14
Posts 2423 |
I appreciate the fact that you've tried to revise your poem, Brittany, but it seems to me you've added more lines yet still not really improved the poem. Your opening strophe tells us this girl is upset, tries to hide her tears, etc. Then you go on to say more or less the same thing line after line. You sort of hinted that there was a situation with some guy that's the root of the problem. Maybe cut all the extra pain and hiding tears lines and focus on that one event? Just a suggestion that might help make your poem a little different from all the other girl in the mirror poems. Maybe as the girl looks in the mirror she relives that event? [This message has been edited by JenniferMaxwell (09-27-2006 08:46 PM).] |
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