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cbautista
Junior Member

since 2006-09-13

Posts 38

0 posted 2006-09-21 08:50 PM

Heavy metal body
Cast in iron throughout
Slowly coming down
To sink to dark depths
And lay within the murky bottom

Discomfort is all there is
In this metal statue
That lays within
This watery cavern

I do not breathe
But I want to
Yet I cannot.

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

1 posted 2006-09-22 05:57 PM

A ship sinking and someone drowning?

I think the idea of reducing the lines in each verse is a good one, I would have liked it to continue to the end, you got to the point where the drowning person has realised that they can't breath but have failed to tackle the fact that at some point they have to. Leaving the ending so ambiguous, although a valid technique, conspires, in this case, to only telling us half the story, you've got three lines you can use why not finish the story?

Strangely enough I felt you gave too much information in the first two verses, some of the words were redundant, take metal for instance, do you really need it if you're going to tell us in the next line that the ship was cast in iron?

Like I said I liked the idea, it needs some tweaking but is worth the work.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2006-09-22 09:06 PM

I pretty much agree with Grinch on all points. You have a good start and with a little effort, it has potential. Now for some technical points to consider while you're at it. First is the use of lay where lie would be proper. This from Meriam-Webster Online:

quote:
LAY: v, transitive ... usage LAY has been used intransitively in the sense of "lie" since the 14th century. The practice was unremarked until around 1770; attempts to correct it have been a fixture of schoolbooks ever since. Generations of teachers and critics have succeeded in taming most literary and learned writing, but intransitive lay persists in familiar speech and is a bit more common in general prose than one might suspect. Much of the problem lies in the confusing similarity of the principal parts of the two words. Another influence may be a folk belief that lie is for people and lay is for things. Some commentators are ready to abandon the distinction, suggesting that lay is on the rise socially. But if it does rise to respectability, it is sure to do so slowly: many people have invested effort in learning to keep lie and lay distinct. Remember that even though many people do use lay for lie, others will judge you unfavorably if you do.

It may seem like a small nit but it is a mistake that is easy to fix. Inboth places where you used lay, simply change it to lie.

Then for punctuation. You have a sull stop at the end but no other punctuation at all. Yes, I know, there are many who write fully devoid of punctuation. I suppose a really skilled writer can do that but for most of us it just looks like we are lazy or possibly avoid it because we don't know how to use it. Like most other writing "rules", learn to do it right before you start to deviate.

Next point is capitalization. After being corrected many times, I have finally come to accept that modern poetry does not require each line to begin with a capital. In this case, you really have 3 proper sentences, if they were punctuated, that is. Each stanza is actually a sentence. You should probably capitalize the first line of each and end the stanza with a period. All other lines should not be capitalized.

Finally, while we are being technical, what I have seen referenced several times recently as a verse is properly a stanza or strophe, as some say.

quote:
A verse is A line of writing arranged in a metrical pattern, i.e., a line of poetry.

from The Poetic Byway (formerly Bob's Byway) although this definition is fairly universally used.

Hope this helps

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

3 posted 2006-09-23 09:51 AM

quote:
Finally, while we are being technical, what I have seen referenced several times recently as a verse is properly a stanza or strophe,

And am I right in thinking that in form we use "stanzas" but in free we use "strophes"?

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

4 posted 2006-09-23 10:25 AM

Hello. With every line beginning with a capital letter, I was looking for an acrostic.

I think there's too many 'this' and 'that's' in this piece. (I'm sorry, I don't know the term, I thought it was 'signifier')

'dark depths','murky bottom' and 'watery cavern' are lazy, as is the word 'discomfort'.

The 'but' in the 2nd last line seems irrelevant to me.

I do like the compactedness in this write, but in such a small space, more unusual words should be used, so that the reader experiences the writer's unique take on the subject of drowning/suffocation.
The structure works for the subject, it's the words used within that are too loose, in my opinion.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

5 posted 2006-09-23 02:38 PM

I didn't find anything strong about this piece. It seems to be just another vague riddle, without anything the reader may be very clear or certain about. What importance should we get from it being called a "statue"? I think you need to expand on this and give the reader something more to hold on to.

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

6 posted 2006-09-23 04:37 PM

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/stanza
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/verse
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/strophe

Just in case anyone's interested.

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

7 posted 2006-09-24 04:19 AM

...It's still bugging me...'the' 'this' 'that'...definite article!!!

I'm rubbish at terminology. Sorry.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

8 posted 2006-09-24 04:28 AM

Thanks Grinch, very useful.

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

9 posted 2006-09-24 12:45 PM

Kif Kif

There is also a further distinction, that "that" and "this" are usually called demonstratives / demonstrative articles.

Originally "that" was just a grammatical variant (the neuter nominative singular) for expressing "the or that". The two main distincts were that one demonstrative meant "the or that" and the other demonstrative was "this"

Personally I think the, that and this could all be generalized as demonstratives with differing degrees of "definiteness", however the grammarians usually stick to calling only "the" the definite article and "this" and "that" the demonstratives/demonstrative articles.

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

10 posted 2006-09-24 01:29 PM

Ess

That was most interesting too. I am a total grammar dunce - so thanks.

Oh dear, breaking my own "rules" here, not commenting on the poem. Won't do it again I promise.

M

divine chaos
Senior Member

since 2006-07-09

Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon

11 posted 2006-09-24 05:43 PM

I like the content of this piece, but there's something not quite right in the flow of it. Perhaps it's the unnecessary little words (this, that, etc), as mentioned in a previous post.

I tend to agree with the points made already, but thought I'd suggest using a thesaurus as well, to replace words, like the ones kif kif referred to as lazy. I use the one at www.thesaurus.com when my brain is particularly fried after working all day

~Sheli

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

12 posted 2006-09-24 05:48 PM

Ok Sheli - the dreaded word - F L O W

I have always wondered what exactly "flow" is (in relation to poetry not rivers or ice, but that is floe, nevermind).

"Flow" - Anybody?

M

Ignatius
Junior Member

since 2006-09-23

Posts 14
OK , USA

13 posted 2006-09-24 11:28 PM

I agree with what everyone else said about touching up your poem. Your would also be improved if just dropped the last "strophe,"
just left it at two.

divine chaos
Senior Member

since 2006-07-09

Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon

14 posted 2006-09-25 01:04 AM

*chuckles*

so sorry Moon, I don't know what other word to use to describe it. By 'flow,' I mean the way it rolls off the tongue while reading it aloud -- this seemed kind of choppy, doesn't flow smoothly as it's read. I suppose I could have said the meter seemed a bit off, but I've always used "flow" to describe it .. because I'm technical like that *grins*

~Sheli

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

15 posted 2006-09-25 01:16 PM

"I don't know what other word to use to describe it"

Perhaps fluentia poetica

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

16 posted 2006-09-25 01:34 PM

Heh. Ess. You are totally frightening - after reading in the English Workshop forum I am keepin' well away from you. You scare me!

M
PS Seriously impressive stuff you are doing in there.

IsAnyone
Junior Member

since 2006-08-19

Posts 11

17 posted 2006-09-25 03:22 PM

I do it too sometimes, but starting lines with And is sort of weak in my opinion, same with But. Maybe try different transitions, or lose them altogether?

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

18 posted 2006-09-25 10:15 PM

Essorant scares a lot of people

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

19 posted 2006-09-27 01:01 AM

Thanks I think

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