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Abiola
Junior Member

since 2006-08-09

Posts 29

0 posted 2006-09-13 08:42 PM

How is it that you are always on my mind

Even when I try to look the other way?

How is it that after all that has happen I still want to cry,

smile, and love you...

Though I still want you out of my life?

Why do I still pretend I don't have feelings for you

When you and I both know I care about you deeply?

Why does my heart keep pushing me backwards to you

When I want to do is move forward?

Is this a sign because I always see you

And you are in my heart?

People may say what's wrong with you, why do you still

talk to him after all he put you through?

Am I to say?

I guess I want us to start over

Or maybe i'm just stupid and making a mistake all

over again

I don't know what's going on but I know i'm so caught

up with you in my life

I want to make this right but I don't know what to do

Honestly I see me and you togethr but then again I can't and

won't let it happen...

I can't believe i'm thinking about you right now

Your touch, your smell, your smile, your kiss

Just every thing about you

How do I make this right?

How do I let all of this pass by?

How do I move on or am I?

How do I stop thinking about you or am I suppose to?

I just want know how all of this should end!!!
********Abi aka Wisdom********

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

1 posted 2006-09-14 04:42 AM

This is your second poem in CA.

Presumably you are interested in improving your poetry.

First of all you need to ask yourself WHY you are writing poetry.

Are you writing to record your own innermost feelings and experiences?

Or are you writing to try and make other people want to read your poems, to entertain and interest them?

Or another reason? Like it gives you a “release” in some way?

Please answer, and then I’ll see if I can help you some more.

Best.

Moonbeam

Abiola
Junior Member

since 2006-08-09

Posts 29

2 posted 2006-09-14 06:10 PM

Honestly I write to get myself away from stress. I know i'm not a good poet but I just write what's going on in my life, the situation I face, or even what ever comes to mine

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

3 posted 2006-09-15 04:38 AM

Thanks for being honest. If indeed that is your main purpose in writing then I respectfully suggest that you are posting in the wrong forum.

Regards.

M

stargal
Senior Member

since 2006-03-06

Posts 1352
OR USA

4 posted 2006-09-15 08:44 AM

Well... She COULD be posting in the wrong forum, unless she truly wants to improve. But it's not up to us to decide where she should post, no? Isn't it up to the creator of the poem? Just a thought...Although, I must admit I stole it from Ron who was kind enough to answer my question regarding this in Q&A, that is IF I have understood correctly...

Abiola I am not a very good at critiquing so I won't try to "instruct" you as to what to do with this poem, maybe in time after I do some more reading here and other places I will give it a go. But I do want to thank you for not using chat lingo and taking the time to write things out correctly. It's a step towards improvements

"I pray thee, O God, that I
may be beautiful within."
–Socrates
@-->---

moonbeam

Member Elite

since 2005-12-24

Posts 2356

5 posted 2006-09-15 10:45 AM

"Up to the creator of the poem ..."

I think that applies in most showcase or vanity forums, or forums where social chat and mutual support are the main purpose.  In a serious workshop forum there is only limited scope for it to be true.

It's fair enough for a new poet to post what might be a complete load of rubbish as a first post, and it's fair enough, if that poet is making GENUINE efforts to listen to what he is being told and to improve, for him/her to be allowed to continue to post rubbish for a while longer.

What isn't fair (to other critiquers) is for people with no real will to improve or even to listen to simply keep posting poem after poem, rubbish after rubbish, in the hope that eventually they'll "get it right".

By definition posters to CA should be willing to work at their writing to improve.  Also by definition by posting in a public forum and asking for help they must want other people to see their stuff.

In the present case Abi says she writes to get away from stress.  This is not a promising start if indeed her other goal is to improve. She doesn't actually say she wants to improve but one must assume it I guess.

Writing to get away from stress suggests she is writing while very emotional or "wound up".  For a beginner poet especially it's hard enough to learn the craft without trying to learn it at a time when the mind is overwrought.  By all means write ABOUT stress and emotion, but believe me that is not the same as writing during a time of high emotion.  Poems written at such times by beginners are likely to be simply angst ridden tripe or oversentimental lovehogwash.

Despite what you might read at the portal to PIP, poetry does NOT come from the bleedin' heart and precious soul, it's an art form which, like any other, has to be, partly at least, learned.

Sure, write sincerely and honestly, but strive at least to write your best.

Sorry Abi, I've mostly been addressing the other poster.  Very rude of me.  I apologise if I sounded harsh but really I stand by what I said; if you ONLY write to escape times of stress then probably CA is not for you.

M

Abiola
Junior Member

since 2006-08-09

Posts 29

6 posted 2006-09-15 05:33 PM

You not insulting me. I don't get upset. I just take the advice i'm giving and flow with it.

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