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Critical Analysis #2
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The Symbal Of Love
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Symbal Of Love |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
Let the symbol of my love to you always be a heart This raging flame of love that has burnt since the very start Let my love for you develop and grow to be the foundation of our truth Let the reflection mirrored in each others eyes always be for us the proof Let us run with the vision of love from our tender youth Let us draw one another closer and let us never be cruel or act aloof Let us never be unkind and treat one another in a manner that is wrong and uncouth Let us take this precious gift and always let us try to be astute Let us always communicate and not act the ignorant dumb brute Let us never ignore one another by acting cold and mute I could never intentionally hurt you to me you are to delicate and cute You are the soft soothing sound like music through a flute And I know that you get to judge a tree by its fruit And the fruit that your love openly to me does display Is that you have found loves path and you lead me in its way With courageous acts of love that leave me gasping in dismay Oh how blessed I am to have this love every single day Oh how the symbol of love just had to be a heart You are the other side you are my missing part if it is going to be it is up to me i choose my destiny |
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| © Copyright 2006 garth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Garth, you're not listening. This is absolutely overwhelmed by word inversions and forced rhymes. If you really want to write this sort of thing, the only option is to give up rhyming all together and write free verse. |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
cool, i will really try give up the rymes and forced writting, thank you for your honesty. |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
If everyone gave up rhyming poetry because his or her first attempts were less than perfect there wouldn’t be any rhyming poetry, or rhyming poets – and that includes Pete. Everyone has to learn and the poems produced during that learning curve are as important, if not more important, than the more accomplished offerings penned down the road. My advice would be stick at it – take what you have and edit it until it works, there are enough people on this site that can give you some pointers – all you have to do is take the advice onboard and separate the good from the bad (that’s the hard part). And the fruit that your poem so clearly displays Is you’ve followed a path that leads different ways Pete could be right, maybe free verse would suit you and you it, by all means try it but don’t think it’s the easy option, not having a strict form to follow or the scaffolding that rhyming supplies makes free verse harder to write well than rhyme. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yeah, I think my advice could have been misinterpreted (my bad). I don't suggest giving up rhyming but just on this poem. Grinch's advice is much better written than mine and it is also spot on. I don't know whether free verse is harder or not. I rarely attempt it so am just not very good. If you want to write rhyme and meter though, you have to work at the structure a great deal. So, don't give up. Just work a little harder instead. Sorry if I sounded too negative earlier. Maybe I was just having a "bad day?" Pete |
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GoldenIllusions New Member
since 2006-08-19
Posts 2 |
I think this could be pared down a bit much of a bit actually as for the poetics it seems resonably young in stature bring the romance to a higher level of being I suggest Dorethy Meinko or Eva Alexander both are brilliant keep on reading poetry Golden* |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
I want to thank you all for your input, this site has all the help i need and i certainly hope to recieve constructive criticism, as that is how to develope and grow, thank you all for taking time to read and comment. |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
artexeres, you have a real problem here. The word 'uncouth' hangs there and yells, 'I was put in to make the rhyme!' There are better words for your meaning than 'astute' also. So that looks like it was there for the rhyme. I'm a rhyming poet, quite often. Well, I'm a form poet, and in form you don't have much choice about your rhyme. But in this one, I'd cut all the extra modifiers, just to see what you're bare-bones saying, and I'd ditch the simplistic aabbccdd rhyme scheme. Mix it up abab, cdcd, or abaab, cdccd, or dump it all together. You want your poem to read naturally. I'd like to see your revision when you get one ready, because I think you can make something good with this poem. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
Thank you, i am definately going to work on developement and will be executing your suggestions. |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
No, listen to Pete. As he says, he didn’t express it too well, but the thrust of what he said is correct. Why is he right? He’s right because rhyming poetry is extraordinarily hard to do well and you need to be completely at ease with metrics, and form too, in order to attempt it. Do you know what blank verse is? If you do, before you write another line of rhyming poetry write 500 lines of blank verse. If you don’t, go google “blank verse” and find out. Then write 500 lines. There are ways and ways to learn. You can, and likely will, spend a lifetime flailing around producing the sort of woeful offering that you have here if you simply try and edit the uneditable. You need to ground your writing in a basic knowledge of metrics, followed, as Pete says, probably by an excursion into the liberating (but still tricky) arena of free verse. Then, and only then, should you perhaps dare to venture back into the territory of end-rhyming poetry. The point is that you are a long long way from the time when you can CHOOSE what type of poetry you are good at with confidence. Oh, and for gawd's sake at least spell your title correctly. Good luck. M |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
Thanks,i will go to google my friend? |
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