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Critical Analysis #2
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The fatal distraction
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The fatal distraction |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
From twilight to dusk her heart seduces Through the windows of a delicate soul Those haunted eyes, whispering a forsaken lullaby An abyss of bittersweet, concrete, memories Intoxicating all who surround her frigid façade With beautifully induced words not meant to allure She captures you without one thought Stealing you away like a fluttering scarlet carousel Attracting your attention in your move of a fatal distraction… "I pray thee, O God, that I |
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| © Copyright 2006 stargal - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
There is lots of potential in this poem but explore the possibility of using periods to show actual breaks in thought, while using caps only when necessary. L2 & L3: Redundancy, (“Windows of…soul” and “eyes”), corrected simply, by eliminating “the” in L2, and inserting “haunted” in its place, before “windows”. Then, beginning L3 with “whispering” L4 Eliminate comma between “concrete” and “memories” so that the words correlate. L6 seems to be a paradoxical statement: It would seem “Beautifully induced” words are naturally alluring. L8 has a great metaphor, “…fluttering scarlet carousel” but you weaken it by adding “like” whereby it appears as more of a simile. ‘On’ would be preferable. Thanks for an interesting read. If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hey CynicsRus, Thanks for the ideas on this poem; I was having trouble with it. I believe that what you’ve said will help out a lot in the end and I will try to eliminate some of the caps and add periods  "I pray thee, O God, that I |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
The title for this didn't work for me as it comes across as a play upon the title of a movie, and I thought that took away from the uniqueness of the poem a bit. How about "Deadly Distraction" instead? |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
.I was wondering who else would notice that title... I've never heard of the movie before but a friend of mine informed me there was such a thing. I am still trying to figure out what I really want for a title, I'm not usually very good at coming up with that sort of thing, so I will take your suggestion into consideration. Thanks for the idea and the comment "I pray thee, O God, that I |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
The only thing that bothered me about the title was, "The". Otherwise I had no problem with it regardless of any other connections, intended or otherwise. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Hi: I like the hopeless feeling of this poem. The flow of your words seem like a sad blues song that gets better in remebrence. I sugest: Through windows of a delicate soul haunted eyes whisper a forsaken lullaby a bittersweet abyss of concrete memories those beautifully induced words not meant to allure captures (without seem out of place maybe somethig like "before your first thought")without one thought (I like the like here) Stealing you away like a fluttering scarlet carousel Thank again for sharing and leting us pick at it. Rick |
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Shaddow1 Junior Member
since 2006-09-04
Posts 41Kingman Az, USA |
I like your poem and I agree you do show great potential. I have to say If every one here writes like that, then I dont know if i am goin to servive the comments poeple might leave me. >.< I have my work cut out for me. But hey it will make me a better writer right? Any way It was a lovely poem that really makes you think. I shall hopeto read more of your poetry. Love is like a Rose; it always dies - Britney Miller |
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