Any Body? - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

0 posted 2006-08-25 01:49 AM

To who is their body not dear?
yet that which I eat
that
which sustains me
shall I also one day feed?

This affection of the deceitful
like the shadow of a cloud
are to be enjoyed but for a short time

Like fire never satisfied by fuel
or the ocean never filled by running rivers
what is not to be will not be
if it is to be, it can not be otherwise.

to whom is the body not dear
although
it be corrupted by all kinds of faults?

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2006-08-25 11:36 AM

art,

I'm a bit confused as to your meaning here... I don't know if you are using "body" as being, or in the anatomical sense. S1 seems to suggest the circle of life, yet S2 appears to talk about fleeting love. Then S3 is about fate, and S4 suggests that everyone has faults, which of course is very true. This is just what I get from it, and I know I could be very wrong.

I do have a few technical corrections I would make...as follows:

"To who is their body not dear?
yet that which I eat
that
which sustains me
shall I also one day feed?"

Whom would be the correct word here, comma after L2, L4.

"This affection of the deceitful
like the shadow of a cloud
are to be enjoyed but for a short time"

Commas after L's 1 and 2, period at the end of L3.

"Like fire never satisfied by fuel
or the ocean never filled by running rivers
what is not to be will not be
if it is to be, it can not be otherwise."

Commas after L1, L2, semi-colon after L3. ( I liked the sound and flow of the fist two lines here.)

"to whom is the body not dear
although
it be corrupted by all kinds of faults?"

You capitalized each beginning letter of the other stanzas...I think you should do that here also. Comma after L1.

Hope that helped a bit on technical issues, but I may need a bit of clarification on your meaning. As I read it, it appears to jump around.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

artexeres
Member

since 2006-08-01

Posts 156
south africa

2 posted 2006-08-27 03:27 AM

I was eating and reading some eastern scripture and the thought, that what i eat shall one day eat me, was the starting point on this one.

Shaddow1
Junior Member

since 2006-09-04

Posts 41
Kingman Az, USA

3 posted 2006-09-04 02:03 PM

Ok I read your poem but I am not understanding it all to well. I think it is because I am not used to your form of writing. I have to say my style is quite different. But all in all even if I can not understand it I am sure there are many more poeple out there who can. So I guess all I have to say is keep on writing. There is never enough poetry in the world.

Love is like a Rose; it always dies - Britney Miller

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.