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Critical Analysis #2

Not This Time

esmondjones
New Member

since 2006-08-28

Posts 4

0 posted 2006-08-28 04:14 AM

Four humps of range
smash into snow-cloud
like a knuckleduster.

We’re at the wrist when the warning
crackles from the two-way,
I catch “severe” – enough to rewrap.
We worm down, along goat-trails,
fume on our faces, snow on our backs.

Town lights get bigger,
music from the Dog ‘n’ Duck -
louder; why are we so angry?

Essorant
Member Elite

since 2002-08-10

Posts 4769
Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada

1 posted 2006-08-28 12:19 PM

A riddle?

Grinch
Member Elite

since 2005-12-31

Posts 2929
Whoville

2 posted 2006-08-28 01:38 PM

Is the wrist is a technical term used in walking or climbing?

I read the poem as a lament on not being able to reach your objective due to bad weather, the poem was a bit prosey and a little too short but I enjoyed it. Unless the Dog n Duck is specifically relevant I’d consider changing it, it somehow sounded too twee in an otherwise strong poem.

kif kif
Member

since 2006-06-01

Posts 439
BCN

3 posted 2006-08-28 01:43 PM

Hello esmondjones,

At first, I thought like Essorant, a riddle, but on reading again, is it about evacuating from a mountain-side due to bad weather?

I like the "we worm down..." and the question at the end is interesting. I'm unsure about "we're at the wrist", although 'hands on' comes to mind.

I like the structure, simple but patterned. Caught in a drift?

esmondjones
New Member

since 2006-08-28

Posts 4

4 posted 2006-09-01 02:33 PM

hi, Essorant..Grinch.. and kif kif.

Thanks for your comments. I don't think it was a good idea, ending with a question, now that I've had the "riddle" remark. I used wrist as a follow-up from knuckleduster.. knuckleduster being the peak.. the wrist being further down the hand (mountain.. where we were).. anyways.. thanks agann, --

Shaddow1
Junior Member

since 2006-09-04

Posts 41
Kingman Az, USA

5 posted 2006-09-04 02:08 PM

Reading your poem I could picture the situation very vividly. Great choice of words, although, the wrist thing caught me for a second. But keep up the good work.

Love is like a Rose; it always dies - Britney Miller

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