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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
It's me. Is this still you? She said. It's always been me, I thought- Standing in the middle of this sightless scenery, screaming my head off, aggravating the dirt. The cursor seems to taunt me blinking aggressively accessing my memory along with my mail. I sit there with my mouth open not a word to fall out, and remember the back of your red shirt my last recollection of you. CS That should be better. [This message has been edited by ChristianSpeaks (08-19-2006 02:26 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Dane Barner - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
In a word, Spell Check or Proofread. Ok, that's more than one word. Other than that, I think you have a pretty interesting start here. I did find the apparent environmental change from the first stanza to the second a bit of a problem but that could be fixed. Or it could be just my interpretation. |
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GoldenIllusions New Member
since 2006-08-19
Posts 2 |
I like this alot it almost feels manic I do think you should drop she said you dont really need it very nice poetry though Golden* |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
The reason why I added the "she said" was to set up the two speakers. In only a clarifying question, what do you think would benefit by the ommision of that statement? I am not questioning you critique. I just want to know what you think. Thanks CS |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Dude: This is nice. You have asoseated e-mail and lost love well. If your looking for a title, maybe just use your first two lines. It's me. Is this still you? She said. theres a lot I like about your poem. You may think about putting I thought in fornt of It's -- I like the adea of "sightless scenery" This may sound funny but I dont see it, yet I repeat that I like the concept. I think that what your trying to do here is give me that a moment of frustration. I like "agravating the dirt, but "scrccming my head off" is to simple. The next part blinks like a cursor up to the last line maybe use "while I read my mail" or "Welcome you have mail" Last but not least do need the last line? I sit there with my mouth open not a word to fall out, and remember the back of your red shirt hay thank it was a great read and fun takeing apart. Rick |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Rick thanks for the breakdown. I appreciate you comments. I surely like the idea of " you've got mail." That would bring a light breath to this otherwise frustrating piece. I will rework and post again. here's the deal with the red shirt and the no words thing. That happened. Girl, boy. Girl boy fight. New girl - no old girl - death and dismemberment - saw girl for the last time. She was wearing a red shirt. She said hi- I freaked - and she left saying," Well, this is the last time we'll see eachother." And turned and walked away. I wanted to follow her, but Circumstances as they were - I didn't. 6 months later I got this email. I know that's a lot. But that part is needed. Hopefully it will read better with that knowledge. CS |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
No title needed, as the words tell the story, a good write indeed. |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
CS, I don't see 'aggravating the dirt'. If you were out in a field or something, I could see that, but if you're in front of a computer screen I can't visualize it. I could see 'aggravating the electrons' or something there. I'm probably missing something, I usually do. But anyway, I enjoyed reading this one. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
CS, "It's me. Is this still you? She said." I agree with someone else who said that "She said should be dropped. "It's always been me, I thought- Standing in the middle of this sightless scenery, screaming my head off, aggravating the dirt." I liked this stanza, except for the "dirt" line...doesn't fit. "The cursor seems to taunt me blinking aggressively accessing my memory along with my mail." I also liked this, but you need to add punctuation. "I sit there with my mouth open not a word to fall out, and remember the back of your red shirt my last recollection of you." This stanza is also good in imagery, but, again...punctuation. I enjoyed readng this, and your words did evoke imagery as well as emotion. Remember that the basics: spelling and punctuation always help the reader to appreciate your poetry. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
Thanks for all your comments. I would have replied sooner, but I have been abroad attending weddings, etc. Thanks for the punctuation idea. I think I'll work on that. Seperation may help. The whole idea about the dirt comment - I guess that I got this idea in my head about being in the middle of no where screaming your head off, effecting no one but yourself. Then I added the idea of annoying the dirt - the only real observer in the whole matter. Sometimes I laugh at my own jokes. It's a curse. Thanks for the help all. CS |
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Shaddow1 Junior Member
since 2006-09-04
Posts 41Kingman Az, USA |
I read you poem but im not quite sure on your intent. What I seem to be grasping from it might not be accurate. The "Is this still you?" part is what I am not sure of. When read I am picturing a lover going through their partners emails and finding that their partner has ben unfaithful. But every one reads poetry differently. Very good though. Love is like a Rose; it always dies - Britney Miller |
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