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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Vessel |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
He's full to the brim, this boy, an ocean of questions and facts, flashing like rainbow-fish in quick, iridescent shoals. At night, his liquid portals beam when he asks; "leave the door open, I don't want to see the skull." He's a ship's cat, watching me as I prepare him for bed, billowing white sheets, his sails whisper engaging answers. [This message has been edited by kif kif (08-25-2006 09:39 AM).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
kif, I very much enjoyed the imagery you provided through use of metaphor. "I don't want to see the skull" was clever, and reminded me of times with my young daughter, who watched, every night, as I looked over the whole room for spiders. Loved the read, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Thanks, warmhrt! I've only written this one thing about my son-it's difficult for me to write about him...he matters so much, I can never find the words to describe him! I've been told that "liquid portals" is silly, but I think it ties in with the sea metaphor...? ps; "the skull" is not that clever-he has a pirate's flag draped across his bedroom door!(to impress his friends-but in reality, it's quite scary for him.) I suppose that's where the inspiration comes from. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I enjoyed the metaphor too, Kif Kif. Just a few pecks: He is full to the brim, an ocean of questions and facts, flashing like rainbow-fish in quick, ir At night, his liquid portals beam when he "leave the door open I don't want to see the skull." He is a ship's cat, watching me as I prepare him for bed . Billowing whitesheets, his sails, whisper engaging answers. |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
A nice read to me on this great gift that our children are,like the ocean our love never dries up and through there fears comfort is found in our love. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Very well done. Nice metaphor. As for nits, I rather like Essorant's suggestion of changing asks to says. That wording did make me wonder why no question mark. Upon rereading the intent did finally come through but it still seems a little awkward. Finally, definately change the comma to a period after L10 then Billowing begins a new sentence as it should. Thanks, Pete |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Thanks, Not A Poet, Essorant, and artexeres. I've already sorted the spelling out (sorry). I'm not sure about changing the 'asks' to 'says' because 'says' feels a bit soft. 'Asks' means that the tone goes up at the end of that line (I don't know the term...is it phonetics?) I like the suggestion about starting a new sentence with 'Billowing'. On posting, I realise there's a fair bit that could be tweaked, thanks to you all. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I have mixed feelings on asks vs. says. Although changing does make the syntax technically correct, it also changes the feel and might even make it at least a little less personal. I think either is acceptable so just go with what you like best IMHO. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Thanks for coming back, Not A Poet. I'm glad you said that, as it's more of a plead, and not at all a demand (although, if I closed the door absent-mindedly, it would become a demand!) |
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esmondjones New Member
since 2006-08-28
Posts 4 |
hi, kif kif. I like this, hear are a few comments to consider during revision L2: seems redundant, following L1. I’d keep “ocean of facts” and cut “full to the brim” .. you could start: “This boy is an ocean of questions”. L6 & 7: suggestion: “when he requests the door left open” L6: incorrect use of semi-colon. Good luck. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Thanks, esmondjones, I'll consider your suggestions, although "full to the brim" is the 'backbone' to this piece, so I really have to keep it. 'requests' seems a bit formal. I'll investigate punctuation; I tend to use it willy-nilly! |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I like this but have to agree with the general consensus regarding lines 6 & 7 – it does break the flow when you’re expecting a question and don’t get one. What about editing line 7 to turn it into a question: “Can you leave the door open” The only other possible change would be to change “and facts” in line 3 to “with facts” – it feels rounder and adds a little ambiguity to where the facts come from. Just my opinion. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Thanks Grinch. "can you leave the door open" sounds good, natural (it doesn't veer from the syllabic count, either). I thought the "and facts" was a bit more surprising, yet "with" could be more hard-hitting. (and I thought this was finished...homeWORK!) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
"A poem is never finished until the poet is safely 6 feet under." I can't remember who said that but I always liked it and found it to be true  |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Drop the filler, ‘and’ in L3, then cap ‘Facts’ ‘Asks’ sounds fine syntactically, if you add a question mark in place of the comma. Conjunctions sound fine in poems and in this particular one, (L9) it keeps your rhythm tight. My biggest nit is for CA contributors when revising: Not to revise the original while receiving critique. Post corrections in a new write so others can witness the progress of a poem’s revisions. This is an excellent write as it stands. Don’t add anymore words to the lines. They make enough sense and leave just enough mystery for the reader’s imagination to ponder. Adding extra words just to make something more clear in one or two more readers’ minds would only trip up the natural flow in this. It's always possible to revise any poem--to death. Sid If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Thanks a lot, Sid. I totally agree about no revising within this thread, but to post a new 'version'. I corrected one spelling mistake, because that just jarred! (me, being the spelling harpie, although, I have been playing with deliberate spelling anomalies, lately) Not a Poet; harhar...thanks, I'm seeing that the balance lies in cutting all the 'extras'. Too many 'ands', tying in with what you say too, Sid. Thanks again for your time. |
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