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Critical Analysis #2
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First Draft - Please Critique
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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First Draft - Please Critique |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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in the big north woods the sun fell into branches of birch, oak and pine, the moon slipped into a pocket of deep clouds. surrounded by unfamiliar, utter darkness, small sounds intensified, blinded thoughts rambled into the black, came running back, embellished with imagination. the child within shuddered, adult rationality rocked her to sleep, stood bold against the night, but was never more thrilled to see morning light. "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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| © Copyright 2006 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
HI: You have captured the feeling of being alone in the woods. "the moon slipped into a pocket of deep clouds. Wonderfull way to look at clouds. I wonder why I never wrote about pokcets of clouds. The dual imagery is great: are the clouds in deep pocket or are the clouds them selves deep and filled with the unknow. surrounded by unfamiliar, utter darkness, I Know what you mean by this but it may be in the wong place. Maybe place it after "blinded thoughts" small sounds intensified, blinded thoughts surrounded by unfamiliar, utter darkness, rambled into the black, came running back, embellished with imagination. The word "emblelshed stands out somewhat I think I would look for something softer. Last the the next to last line You may think about changing "but" to "and" Other that that you end this poem with power, I can feel the fear of being lost, alone and releived. Great work. Thank you for giveing us the chance to review it. rick p.s. Wow I noticed that this was my 100th. Thank-you again for making it worth my time. Rick |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
This really has a nice moderately dark feel about it. I think you have captured the mood quite well. I really don't have much in the way of content suggestions but a few technicals. Unlike Rick, I think but is right instead of and and I did not stumble of embellised. The first point is capitalization. You have written sentences and punctuated pretty much according to the book. Why then not capitalize your sentences? On a more picky note, I would add a conjunction, probably as, to begin L4 and remove the comma ending L3. To me that just flows a lot better. The resulting stanza would then read: The sun fell into branches of birch, oak and pine as the moon slipped into a pocket of deep clouds. I see a similar thing in S2. I suggest dropping the ending comma on L5 and start L6 with and came. I might even consider replacing the comma ending L6 with the often hated ... just to force a dramatic hesitation. Finally in S3, L3 and L4 are really more parenthetical than the commas seem to indicate. You might consider using parentheses or dashes instead of the commas to highlight the point better. Actually, I don't much like parentheses and would probably prefer the dashes. As usual, of course, this is all JMHO and uneducated one at that. Thanks, Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Rick, Thanks for reading and for your thoughtful consideration. I will try to work your advice into the next draft, and see how it goes. I appreciate your kind comments. Congrats on your 100th!! Thanks again, Kris Pete, Thank you also for reading and for taking the time to give your constructive commentary. In the first stanza, I don't know if eliminating the comma after L3 would be such a good idea. The moon doesn't rise high into the sky until it's been a while since the sunset. That was my reasoning in making that separate. The rest of your comments will be taken into serious consideration. Thanks, Kris To both of you... Does "slipped into a deep pocket of clouds" or "slipped into a pocket of deep clouds" sound better or more descriptive? I'd appreciate your input. "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
My first reaction when I saw this was to prefer deep pocket.On rereading though, I think the other is more original sounding. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
well how about "slipped into deep pockets of clouds" or Slipped into pockets of deep clouds? "slipped into a deep pocket of clouds" or "slipped into a pocket of deep clouds I like Pockets of deep better. I asked my wife and she liked deep pockets. come down to what you like the best. Rick |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks to both of you for your opinions on the "clouds" line. I think I will keep it as I first wrote it. I do think, however, that I should change "rationality" to "rationale." What say ye? Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Grinch Member Elite
since 2005-12-31
Posts 2929Whoville |
I think you could have done more with this, I read it and thought “Someone in a wood at night gets a little scared and is happy when dawn comes”. I didn’t have to work to get that, it’s all there in plain sight, there’s no need to interpret or read between the lines (sometimes the best parts of a poem are what you don’t write). the sun fell into branches of birch, oak and pine, the moon slipped into a pocket of deep clouds. This confused me, the sun fell and the moon slipped – maybe it’s just me but slipped makes me picture the moon going down too and does it have to go into a pocket of clouds? Couldn’t it be lost to a pocket of deep clouds, or maybe waned (moons do that). surrounded by unfamiliar, utter darkness, small sounds intensified, blinded thoughts rambled into the black, came running back, embellished with imagination. I don’t think you need utter here, utter darkness rarely exists outdoors and even if it did it’d be less conducive to imagined terrors – you need to see a bush for your imagination to turn it into something more frightening. the child within shuddered, adult rationality rocked her to sleep, stood bold against the night, but was never more thrilled to see morning light. This is the bit where you could have made me work my brain but you added ‘within’, now I know the child and the narrator are the same person. Without that one word I have to work it out, I start with a child being comforted by an adult and end up with an adult reliving childhood fears. You’d probably have to slip ‘alone’ in the last line somehow but I think it’d work better. Just my opinion |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Grinch, I don't think you've ever been in the deep woods in northern Michigan near Lake Superior...if the moon "slips" into a bank of clouds (and that is what it can look like), there is total darkness. You can not see your hand in front of your face. I know...I was just up there, and saw the exact poem as described (except for the last stanza...I wasn't really afraid. I had flashlights  )If it wasn't enough brain candy for you, I'm sorry, but I usually get comments that say my poems are TOO obscure, and that one shouldn't have to work at seeing the meaning. Here there was no real meaning. It was a simple, descriptive poem. Everyone has there own preferences...sorry this one wasn't to your liking, but I'm sure you could find others that are. Thanks for reading, and for taking the time to state your opinion, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (08-22-2006 09:12 AM).] |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
I enjoyed the content and found many avenues to explore, in these dark woods,lol, this could take you into thought,the dark side of life, a dark day in the woods or like i choose, seeds that shall produse woods of their own, these words, these thoughts, these poems? thank you. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
art, Yes, these words could have more meaning to some than to others. I am so glad that you enjoyed the read, and took the time to express your thoughts about it. I thank you. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
Hi warmhrt, my only nit with this one is the small sounds that intensified. I'd like you to tell me what they are-give me examples. The scrabble of a claw in the leaves, --the almost nonexistent whirr of an owl's wing, brushing my face with air,--you know, make it more immediate to me. I've never been in the big north woods at night--give me the experience. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Nan, Yes, that certainly would be a good thing to add to this poem...thanks for bringing it up. I remember the rustle of leaves, of branches and wondering what was making the sounds...a chipmunk, a racoon, or something bigger? Thanks again for reading and for your suggestion, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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