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Critical Analysis #2
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Signs From Phyllis Stein
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Signs From Phyllis Stein |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
My short hair's grown since I've simmered down, dark locks fall down my back. My brows, once plucked, now are natural, and I don't wear any make-up. My green gaze captures many things I used to stand up for. I'm no soldier, but still entrenched in war, my beauty's flown, as a woman torn in life, I'm laid on tracks. So I struggle. |
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| © Copyright 2006 kif kif - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
I have replied to this already, and nothing comes up!!! Anyway at the risk of being hugely boring, I should like to say (once again) that I think this is a strange and wonderful thing. That is to say I don't normally respond to "all about me" poetry, but this one has wit and an ability to make it read like it's all about ME,ME! (Not really, I jest), but I also like its rhythm. Wit and rhythm! Otherwise I get bored. Thanks for it anyway. "simmered down" indeed! As if. |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
like samson from the old testament, a rejuvernation, an expression of taking stock. smarting at what this world has become and always a woman, a beutifill woman as expressed by your words, that is what i got. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Thanks, artexeres, and Beau de L'air. Yes, it's all about me!!! ha ha. Usually, I work to get over myself, but some things come across as sur-realer when described in the 1st person. Not all 'I's' are bad. You're right, artexeres, "taking stock" and "smarting" of the dischord between pursuing intellectual things and fullfilling expectations as a housewife. Of course, I'm hoping a man could have written this, about when the daily grind leaves no time...to be equal. None of us have enough time to get lost and found in our own heads, unless we're financially loaded, and have no family needing our attention. I wrote this hearing the repetitive "what'll we have for tea?" whilst thinking of the merits of polyrhythms. Aaaagrhhh! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi kif, I very much enjoyed this, though I do have a couple of suggestions. The poem would not seem to be such a "me, me" poem if you would just leave out a couple of the "my's. I am a bit more of a minimalist when it comes to poetry. The following would be my suggestion, and,of course, JMHO. Short hair's grown since I've simmered down, dark locks fall down my back; brows, once plucked, now are natural, I don't wear make-up; My green gaze captures many things I used to stand up for; I'm no soldier, but still entrenched in war, my beauty's flown, as a woman torn in life, I'm laid on tracks. So I struggle. Again, I really enjoyed the read, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Cool-and you hardly even notice the changes! The grammar's not been affected, and it reads more naturally without a few of the 'me's', thanks for the time and effort Kris. |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
Brows once plucked are now natural The 2 n's together are better; n n form a glyph for eye brows, don't they? |
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artexeres Member
since 2006-08-01
Posts 156south africa |
and write you sure do a ferlection of the mind that lays behind the words thanks again for your writes |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
They do, Beau de L'air. "now are natural" has a kind of arc in the middle, as well (freaky eyebrows we're painting!). Good points. I'll remember that for future. Thanks, artexeres...I think! When I've figured out what 'a ferlection of the mind' means...! It sounds good, anyway! |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
reflection. |
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