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Critical Analysis #2
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my love
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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my love |
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Artofmark Junior Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 41 |
My love, my love where did thou go? Niether Above the clounds nor under the ground My Love I have searched but high and low Beneath the seas or or even in trees Behold my love not found My love my love where did thou go My love lost forever a echo I listen hard but can not find My love I have searched but high and low I search the paths wide or narrow For my love truly unique My love, my love where did thou go? i shall seek from earth to pluto No distance far to great My love I have searched but high and low blind or sight, you can not see For but only feel, in my heart my love my love where did thou go? My love, i have searched but high and low |
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divine chaos Senior Member
since 2006-07-09
Posts 617dancing 'neath the moon |
hi, and welcome to PiP  I'm certainly no expert, but I see a couple inconsistencies in your villanelle. The traditional form is: a1 b a2 a b a1 a b a2 a b a1 a b a1 a2 you've got the line repetitions down pat, but the rhyme of the b-lines is off (as far as the traditional form is concerned) and there are a couple lines where the number of syllables is throwing the flow out of whack. The poetry workshop forum is wonderful for working on the different forms! I do like the content, the theme is very good, well thought out and very workable, in my humble opinion Perhaps if you just play with the wording of the b-lines a bit and find the rhyme for them, the cadence will straighten itself up. I find that if I read my poetry aloud, it helps me hear the 'sour notes' in the meter (it also makes my daughter roll her eyes and say .. oh geez, mom, shush already!). lol I look forward to seeing more from you!! ~*Sheli*~ By words the mind is winged |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Hi: I alway like too see different forms in poetry. I agree with everything that divine chaos had too say. Remmber that the playing with rhyme all the way through this tipe of poem is what makes it fun to write as well as fun to read. Rick |
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Artofmark Junior Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 41 |
Thank you, yea I will revise this poem to make sure that meter is correct throughtout and that it flows well, after I looked over it again, it did seem choppy, I'm really enjoy this forum and are looking forward to reading over everyone's poems and prose Mark |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
All right then, while you're at it, drop the thou. It doesn't fit. An occasional archiac word mixed in with modern language is pretty much like a black eye. Then work on some of the weakest lines, like: "Niether Above the clounds nor under the ground" "Beneath the seas or or even in trees" are just too trite to even be cliches. You should seriously never say anything like that. You have tackled a pretty difficult form here but with a respectable theme. With a lot of work, you should be able to make it worthy. JMHO, of course. Pete |
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loveislove Member
since 2006-06-25
Posts 59USA |
over all i like it...its pretty good...it kind of has that old school charm to it...but (even though i love a poem that has some repetition used to stress a point) it seems a little 2 repetative, i think if u had 1 line that u repeated throughout it instead of 2, it would flow alot better... The more people that I can make EXTREMELY uncomfortable, the better |
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Artofmark Junior Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 41 |
thank you for all the feed back, I enjoy reading what everyone has to say and it helps me to grow as a young writer. I really enjoy this forum and are very much looking forward to listening and learning even more. |
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