I SOMETIMES SLEEP (the re-write)

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Critical Analysis #2

I SOMETIMES SLEEP (the re-write)

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

0 posted 2006-06-23 10:20 PM

I SOMETIMES SLEEP

My work you ask what do I do
I ride the bus counting
eyes two by two
they pay you, for that?
they do and when I write
I’m paid for that
what do I write?
walks with trees
talks with winds
blowing thick
below the bridge
I ride in front behind the driver
sometimes I sleep but then again
when sun shines warm I think
How often do I find success?
The Answer:
Depends on how often I write
the more often;
my ride becomes poetic
If words do emerge
I know that in the end
I’ll type it up later
re-write and, re-write,
it again.

rick

ChristianSpeaks
Member

since 2006-05-18

Posts 396
Iowa, USA

1 posted 2006-06-30 11:38 PM

I like this one. You mix nature like Robert Frost with nature like NYC. Some sort of urbanization of bus-like proportions. Make sure to us what you need to make your point. Brevity may not always be the best.

CS

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

2 posted 2006-07-02 01:16 PM

Hi:

Thanks for taking a look at this. did you read the first posting of it? funny that you could mention brevity, The first was much more long winded that this one.

rick

Beau de L'air
Member

since 2006-08-03

Posts 105
Middlesex, England

3 posted 2006-08-06 09:03 PM

Petty good except for everything after
"when sun shines warm I think". It's a good place to end. A thoughtful place to end. The rest is too much information.... not adding anything.
In my opinion obviously.

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