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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Around Here |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
In the cellar of my mind things lay in strewn dissaray misused and in rotting decay; the edges of sleep once sweet now lay tattered and frayed; it's a jungle in here. The atmosphere is thick with dreams past yet present in every crevice,every crack - In every spider webbed angle pain exists; never mind things new fangled. Once there was air, light and beauty in technicolor, every day was a holiday; every movement a sonnet every coming a starburst bright comet- Now there's dank reticence; the view from the inside out seems the same time comes and goes in the bustle of every day's flow, birds still build their nest squirrels dart to and fro' busy with plans for acorn fests; pigeons still flock in parks, where eager hearts meet and greet- their cup runneth over, buoyed upon wafts of daffodils and clovers- Will I ever get over this void or will I forever stumble in this chaos of emotions annoyed- I wonder. YeshuJah |
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| © Copyright 2006 YeshuJah Ibsen Amadeus Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Nice writing. I don't have any real nits here. You showed the darker side of an emotion without overdoing it. At some time we have probably felt this way. Good to hear your voice again, BTW. You've been away for a while. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Hi: I am not one for the end line rhyming and well you started out with looked like a sonnet and then be the end there was no rhyme at all. Make up your mind rick |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Not A Poet - thank you for the kind words - I happen to think the poem needs more work - particularly the last two verses - I'm working up an edit. And yes, I had not been here for a while; thanks for remembering I ever was here. Shippyrick- I haven't made up my mind yet because I cannot find the necessary materials to do so - I just write from the vantage point of whichever moment I encounter; and as for endline rhymes - good grief! They've proven themselves so resilient over time [who in the world does not know humpty dumpty] that I'm just tapping into an existing prevalence. Thanks for the read. YeshuJah |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
The rhymes make it twee, especially at the end. Also, this seems to be made up entirely from cliche. "in evert spider-webbed angle, pain exists" is my favourite line, for although you've used a stock image, you've played with it to produce a real picture. |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
kif kif - I'm trying to figure out what 'twee' means - am I missing something? And yuor observation that this may be made up almost entirely of cliches may be true; but I think there are instances where cliches can work. I believe this is one of them.. but I might be biased. Thanks for the time you took to look and remark on this. YeshuJah |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Yet, cliche makes us forget to think. Speaking of forgetting to think, the word 'twee' must be a colloquialism. I'm sorry! For me, it means the feeling produced when listening to a nursery rhyme, or when looking at a chocolate box painting. For your content, quite irreverent. |
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