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Critical Analysis #2
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heyy i posted this in teen forum, but i want advice
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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heyy i posted this in teen forum, but i want advice |
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CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 248
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I did not sleep last night...because of you. Seems like everytime i try to climb out of this hole, you suck me back in. Is it your eyes? No. They captivate me, but never control me. Is it your arms? No. They allure me, but I could never obey them. Is it your smile? No. Your smile is gorgeous, but it fails to draw me back when I am so close to being over you. So what is it? I know. But you haven't an idea. What about you could stop me dead in my tracks, make even my subconcious forget to breathe? What possibly power could you hold over me? Ah...yes. The thought of being with you, being yours, inhabits every fiber of my being. It holds me like bars of a jail cell. I cannot escape, no matter how hard I try nor how long I work at it. However many other guys I might kiss, or hug, or flirt with, in the end, means nothing. Because the thought of being yours, feeling my hand enclosed in yours once again, feeling your lips upon mine, is a thought almost more than I can bear. I want you to be mine, once and for all. And that's what draws me back. That is the sole purpose of my existence here, I am convinced of this. I gave you up stupidly, but I was just a child. Now we know our mistakes, we both do. I've admitted it. Why can't you? Leave her for me, you can see in her eyes, she is unfaithful, and you can see in mine that i would never be. I love you too much. And the thought of that will bring me back to you, if ever I should stray away. But if I were yours again, I could swear I never would. I cant believe how long i waited |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Keryn, Sorry but I can't offer much help. Free verse is just not my bag. Maybe I can help get some discussion started though. I can point out a few things that I'm sure will get further attention. When you say you "want advice," I assume you meant advice with the poem rather than you love life  1) This is just way too wordy. You could probably trim at least half of the words and make some better substitutions for others and greatly improve the impact. 2) Work on the visual format and conceive some more logical line breaks. 3) To write free verse and separate it from prose, you need to write metaphorically. Instead of "telling it like it is," you need to paint a picture. Don't give us the facts, hint at them through metaphor instead. Hope this helps a little. Pete |
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Savage Quiescence Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326Wandering |
I have to agree with Pete. The poem is entirely too wordy. I also agree that while prose is telling a story, poetry is painting a picture. Not all poems have to be deep and metaphorical, but it's good not to get so hung up on detail that you leave nothing to our imaginations. I'm no expert, but here are my two cents. First of all, the poem needs some kind of structure. You're all over the place with your lines. There is no rhythm, no meter, no flow. It's just a chopped up paragraph of fragmented statements. I like the idea you had in the beginning with giving a possible answer then saying why it isn't correct. If you put some structure to that, I think it would really draw the audience in. Throw in some similies. Give it color. For example, his eyes captivate you, but what kind of eyes are they? The middle part with all the rhetorical questions is redundant. I'd cut most of that out. Without putting too much thought into it (seeing as how it's your poem to create, and not mine), here is a little example of what could come out of that section. "What about you could stop me dead in my tracks? Make even my subconcious forget to breathe? You don't know, but I do. The thought of being yours inhabits every fiber of my being. It holds me like bars of a jail cell. maybe add a few adjectives here, to get across how cold this loneliness is? that would tie the coldness of the cell bars into the coldness of your loneliness. I cannot escape, no matter how hard I try or how long I work at it. do you really want to admit in the poem that you have worked on it? Okay, the next part about being with other guys just isn't working. I hate to say it but it just really takes away from the emotion of the poem. This is one time when less is more. Maybe say something along the lines of, "No matter how many guys come into my life, none of them could mean to me what you do." And on a personal note, I hate the word "guys" in poems. It's so adolescent. Anyway, the rest of that section that talks about feeling his lips on yours, etc., is one of those times when you're giving us too much straight forward detail. I mean, you might as well just post the picture and not bother with words. Give us something to chew on. Leave some room for our imaginations. Use some metaphores! The next part has some redundancy issues. I italicized what I found unnecessary. That is the sole purpose of my existence here, I am convinced of this. I gave you up stupidly, but I was just a child. Now we know our mistakes, we both do. I've admitted it. Why can't you? Not so sure about "stupidly." And to say that you were just a child actually makes you sound childish. The next stanza sounds very teenage girl drama-esque. You love him- don't instruct him to leave the girl he's with. It sounds jealous and just plain silly. Maybe keep the idea that you can see her unfaithfulness in her eyes. But it would need some work, too. The last stanza feels awkward. Something more like: And that love is what will bring me back if ever I should stray. But if I belonged to you again, I'd swear to always stay. might work better. I don't know. Okay, now that I've probably totally confused you and made it sound like I don't know what I'm talking about, I'll stop. Forgive me for being confusing- it's late. I know I just tore the poem to shreds, but don't think too much about it. I'm not claiming to be an expert and maybe all my ideas suck. You seem like a very talented writer and with some work, you could turn this into a great piece. The idea is good. You've got an awesome start, here. The emotion is strong. Just focus on saying more with less (unlike in this post.) Keep writing, and I hope to see more from you soon. Thanks for sticking with me, Alicia |
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nedj Member
since 2006-06-23
Posts 87Oregon USA |
Since you asked... :-) In my view the key to great poety it density--compressing a lot into a little. By that standard, you don't get very high marks on this one (as the previous commens suggest). However, many things in this piece do work, some well. Personally, I am far more partial to meter than rhyme, so the absence of moon-June-goon is no problem for me. But what I would love to see is more musicality. I might suggest that you read this (or anything else you write, even prose) aloud and listen for the music, the flow of sound. If it's not there, work with it until it is. And might I also suggest that this "story" would perhaps be better expressed in prose. A letter, maybe. Play with it. Experiment with different formats. See how much of it you can express in say 5 or 6 lines. Based on your not inconsiderable talent, I'm sure that you can turn it into something wonderful if you're willing to growth with and into it. Yet even just as it is, it reveals some of your greatest assets, not the least of which is your willingness and ability to expose yourself. I can think of no more valuable quality in a writer, or a person for that matter. I have often said that the true intimacy in your life is limited only by the urgency of your desire to be known completely. You're off to one whale of a start. I feel privileged to be a witness. A poem's just a poet in a word. |
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