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Critical Analysis #2
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IN MY PRIME
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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IN MY PRIME |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
IN MY PRIME Movement has become turquoise awareness in time no longer frantic now only climbing on old remembered elm trees growing more slowly each fresh day dawns too every other new color staying much longer within I find peace knowing the simple pleasures of being alive Rick Slottow |
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| © Copyright 2006 Rick Slottow - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Rick, I confess that I'm not much of a foan of the form. That said, I do find #2 and #4 interesting and #4 particularly. They both seem to fit the spirit as I understand it. For #3, I can make some guesses as to why you introduced color but none really seem particularly inspired. As for #1, the second line just doesn't fit for me. sure, you want a metaphor but it should be an understandable one that makes sense in the context. Pete |
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calxaed Junior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 21North Lincolnshire, UK |
I liked the last of the four very much, but I have some difficulty with the concept of 'turquoise awareness', I see the sense of occasionally making use of synaesthetic figures but this feels a bit like a word that's there to fit the form, rather than a natural pairing of form and theme. |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Hi SkippyRick. I really like your use of Haiku to construct this-I do that, too. It produces a beautiful conversational rhythm. Sometimes, I play around with the line placement, like 7,5,7/7,7,5/5,7,7/5,7,5 ect ect. You don't need the word "too" in verse 3. Also, in verse 3, I jerked a little when I heard the end-rhyme, 'colour', 'longer'. Yes, the content makes sense, it reads like an accidental rhyme, and stands out. As for "turquoise awareness in time"...all my life I've dreamed in green, and deep blue hues beholding happiness. All wrapped up, gold-cupped in wondrous sculptures. So I dig that! Onelove. |
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Frank W. Torres Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 133 |
Nice. |
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