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Critical Analysis #2
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Skippyrick
Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150
Rohnert Park

0 posted 2006-06-17 02:17 PM


IN MY PRIME

Movement has become
turquoise awareness in time
no longer frantic

now only climbing
on old remembered elm trees
growing more slowly

each fresh day dawns too
every other new color
staying much longer

within I find peace
knowing the simple pleasures
of being alive

Rick Slottow


© Copyright 2006 Rick Slottow - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2006-06-17 10:22 PM


Rick, I confess that I'm not much of a foan of the form. That said, I do find #2 and #4 interesting and #4 particularly. They both seem to fit the spirit as I understand it.

For #3, I can make some guesses as to why you introduced color but none really seem particularly inspired. As for #1, the second line just doesn't fit for me. sure, you want a metaphor but it should be an understandable one that makes sense in the context.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

calxaed
Junior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 21
North Lincolnshire, UK
2 posted 2006-06-18 06:45 AM


I liked the last of the four very much, but I have some difficulty with the concept of 'turquoise awareness', I see the sense of occasionally making use of synaesthetic figures but this feels a bit like a word that's there to fit the form, rather than a natural pairing of form and theme.
kif kif
Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439
BCN
3 posted 2006-06-19 08:17 AM


Hi SkippyRick. I really like your use of Haiku to construct this-I do that, too. It produces a beautiful conversational rhythm. Sometimes, I play around with the line placement, like 7,5,7/7,7,5/5,7,7/5,7,5 ect ect.  

You don't need the word "too" in verse 3.

Also, in verse 3, I jerked a little when I heard the end-rhyme, 'colour', 'longer'. Yes, the content makes sense, it reads like an accidental rhyme, and stands out.

As for "turquoise awareness in time"...all my life I've dreamed in green, and deep blue hues beholding happiness. All wrapped up, gold-cupped in wondrous sculptures.

So I dig that!

Onelove.



Frank W. Torres
Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 133

4 posted 2006-06-19 06:27 PM


Nice.
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