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Once in a Lifetime
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Once in a Lifetime |
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haku1993 New Member
since 2006-06-16
Posts 1 |
One night, cold and dark, I dreamt a dream, so vivid...yet fading. I fell in love. Forbidden love. And...for once in my life, felt...special. Not the special that I am to my family. The special way that you feel only around your precious person. Now I know that this love cannot happen. If it did, our lives would be dangerous. Yet with danger comes excitement, with excitement, pride and honor. My dream slips away...... through my fngers...like sand. And my desperate to it... for naught. My dream shall always be just that, a dream. But I know that one day, I will see him again.... in a dream. |
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| © Copyright 2006 haku1993 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
hi: Love the can not be is not easy to write about. You may want to think about telling us more about the why of it all. OR an idea or picture of why a hint or two. Rick |
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Frank W. Torres Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 133 |
We often wonder about dreams. Some say this and some say that about them. Anyway, I liked your poem. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Along the lines Rick mentioned, you need to show the feeling. This is a difficult subject in that it has been done to death for years. To be interesting, you need something more. Present a new twist or at least give us the feeling instead of just words. |
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calxaed Junior Member
since 2006-06-09
Posts 21North Lincolnshire, UK |
This is nice, a good first stab, but I would echo the concerns expressed by others. You seem to be making a argument for your particular view of love and society: Now I know that this love cannot happen. If it did, our lives would be dangerous. which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it's not particularly poetic. You are telling us your perspective and feelings, rather than trying to make us empathise by showing them to us, which is a little cryptic, what I mean is that there are many, many different ways of communicating the experience itself, of trying to bring about symapathetc feelings or intellectual reactions in the reader, the way that music does for example. Your readers do not know you and, although this may seem a bit harsh, do not care much to hear your feelings plainly expressed in the way your family and friends might. There is an awful lot you could do with the dream scenario, as to a large extent it frees you from the physical and temporal constraints of reality, permiting much more fantastical and elaborate imagery, something you haven't much taken advantage of, just wrapping your words up in a dream, because of a dreams poetic connotations doesn't cut it. There is an excessive use of elipsis(...) throughout your poem, try to construct your work so that pauses fall naturally at line ends or just cut the line where you need a pause, or use commas. Ellipsis should be employed only when you need an especially long pause or hesitation, not to elide grammatical or structural difficulties. Remember all this is just one guy's opinion, don't let it put you off. |
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