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Critical Analysis #2
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synthetic
Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 70
ontario, canada

0 posted 2006-06-11 06:44 PM


I wish I made those normal mistakes
But I don't and you know it
So we watch me drown remaining dry
Watch my right doings go passing by.
Unnoticed.
You're just waiting for me to mess up
Looking for my stride to slow down
But don't count on it
Because I'm made to be counted on.
So unnoticed.
Do you think I'll go wrong with you left
Is it possible when you feel so right
I'd ask you to look into my eyes
But they aren't meant for you to see
The truth remains in my soul.
Unnoticed.


© Copyright 2006 luc - All Rights Reserved
cynicsRus
Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!
1 posted 2006-06-15 10:04 AM


Overall, your premise is not bad--for a beginner.
To raise the quality level of the writing however, you’ll have to do a bit more study on what separates a compelling metaphor or simile from the mundane street vernacular. Until then, writing such as this will just as easily fit on a prose or discussion forum, regardless of the number of line breaks employed. And again, punctuation can only help.


If you must carp: Carpe diem!
ICSoria
My poetry forum.

gostwriter
New Member
since 2006-06-27
Posts 4

2 posted 2006-06-27 10:46 PM


i'd just like to say that i find this poem compelling..it doens't look like beginners work. you can tell it's from the heart. good job.
loveislove
Member
since 2006-06-25
Posts 59
USA
3 posted 2006-07-16 07:02 PM


it seemed very heartfelt...and deep...i like it

The more people that I can make EXTREMELY uncomfortable, the better

the_girl_next_door
Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591
USA
4 posted 2006-07-16 11:19 PM


Very intersting... I liked this alot.. It's deep and shows emotion..

Great job..

~heather~

Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes.
Want nothing & you will have everything.

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