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Walls for God
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Walls for God |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513
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I build up walls Only God can climb, But I always find words That seem to rhyme. When I look in the mirror... Do I see myself, Or the image of Somebody else? |
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| © Copyright 2006 Cierra L. Robbeloth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
The first two lines in this are quite compelling, but none of the rest have the strength of these lines, nor do they relate. You should build a serious poem based on the premise of those two lines. Save the rest for something lighter. If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Hi: Yes I agree the first two lines are wonderfull. save those that start again good luck. Rick |
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Jess Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 243Washington |
wow, I totally agree with everyone else. The part about finding words that always seem to rhyme seems out of place, but the first two lines are good. |
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AndiCandi New Member
since 2006-06-08
Posts 2 |
This piece seems like you cut and pasted lines from three different poems and called it a day! I agree with the other two when I say the first two lines are very good. It provokes a thought that leads the reader into thinking you're going into one place but you go somewhere else. You ruin the poem with the lines "But I always find words That seem to rhyme." What does that have to do with anything? Finally, the last four lines of the poem also provoke some deep thoughts. But again, they have nothing to do with the rest of the poem. I would suggest using the concept of the last four lines and creating an entirely new poem while you save the first two lines and create another poem. This whole piece most likely makes sense to you (hopefully it does). But you have failed to take in the consideration of the reader. What does this mean to me? Absolutely nothing. It makes no sense to me. Try writing something that conveys a message that others can grasp and ponder for themselves. I hope I've been of help...and I hope I haven't been too harsh! Sincerely, Andi |
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synthetic Member
since 2006-06-10
Posts 70ontario, canada |
i won't go as far as to say that the first two lines aren't in relation with anything else that you wrote, but rather that there's a story behind it that the reader doesn't know. if that's the case, it might be better to add along a little letter to accompany your poetic words to open up the readers eyes to the meaningful passage ways your leading us down. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
quote: But hasn't the poetry failed if it is necessary to attach an explanation with it in order for readers to understand? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
I liked the thought that God may only climb those walls and the question of being only God's image. But it needs more poetic timber to fasten those into a wholesomeness and good work. I would do away with the third and fourth lines and focus on making a bridge between your statement about God and your question about you. |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
"But hasn't the poetry failed if it is necessary to attach an explanation with it in order for readers to understand?" Not always. Sometimes the poet likes to refer to something in a special way, but those that are unfamiliar with the convention, may not understand it and need explanation. It is not necessarily up to the poem to teach the reader how to read special manners, riddlesome hues, idioms, allusions, etc. Those that are familiar with them understand them thro reading the poem, but those that aren't sometimes need explanation. |
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Beau de L'air Member
since 2006-08-03
Posts 105Middlesex, England |
you missed a trick the last line should read "The rhyming self". A mirror reflection is a rhyming image, do you not think? It makes the poem interesting anyway. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I wholeheartedly agree with Essorant's last reply. Anyone who has read a diversity of poetry is sure to have come across poems that are somewhat difficult get a fix on, and nail down a clear meaning. Some are meant to be ambiguous. Dissecting a poem is often challenging, and enjoyable. I loved the first two lines in this, and they could be a beginning to a very insightful piece. I say sack the rest of it, and work from those lines on. Kris Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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