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Critical Analysis #2
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Long Ago
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Long Ago |
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Lavie New Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 8 |
Long ago on a warm summer day There sat a young boy Sitting as still as he could be His hand seemed to be pointing at something Something that appeared to be high up on the wall Children tried to play with him Parents tried to move him The young boy remained motionless Long ago on a mild fall day There sat a man Sitting as still as he could be His hand seemed to be pointing at something Something that appeared to be in the middle of the wall Children tried to play around him Parents tried to ignore him The man remained motionless Long ago on a cold winter night There sat an old man Sitting as still as he could be His hand seemed to be pointing at something Something that appeared to be on the bottom of the wall Children played away from him Parents had forgotten him The old man remained motionless On that cold winter night A child whet up to the old man First the child look at the wall Then looked at the old man’s hand The child reached out and gave the old man’s finger a tug The ground shook just a little And a fowl smell filled the room The old man looked up and said, “Thank you.” |
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| © Copyright 2006 Lavie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Hi: I like the movemet in you poem. Or is that the lack of movement. the ending however was a disapointment. Maybe your brain let go of some "gas" and you lost your consentration. Work on the end, make it more interesting not just silly. Rick |
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Lavie New Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 8 |
Thanks for your honesty. This was my first attempt at a poem that I wasn't required to write. I've tried to show this to various teachers and asked their opinions on it and what I could do to improve it, and I get no help from them. As for the "silly" part of the poem. That was the goal of the entire poem. The goal was to not expect what the ending result was. So the begining was there to draw the reader into the story and look at the depth of the situation, and the end was used to throw it in thier face and say surprise. I do agree that the end does need some work with wording and order, but in the end I would like the same result |
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kif kif Member
since 2006-06-01
Posts 439BCN |
Hi Lavie. I agree with Skippyrick, the ending is trite. Plus, it reads like a report-there's little poetic tools employed here, except repetition, yet the repetition leads up to nothing but schoolyard humour that doesn't make sense, because you've not shown, just told. The story has an interesting beginning, and a decent rhythm -I think with a bit of imagination, there could be another reason for the stillness and silence of your subject. |
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Khatharsis Junior Member
since 2006-05-21
Posts 42 |
The ending was silly. Though the structure was ur generic idea of a poem... i did indeed like the msg. Vocab was simple and imagrey was extremely simple as well. The ending i thought was creative... ... because that whole "pull my finger" thing as kids growing up... if funny and in this case... its a a metaphore for acceptance.... like he never grew up...and when finally that day came... he did. Thats what i think of it, ne ways. Ppl gotta see that. Its more than something silly.. its realer and deeper and this whole peice is their to explain it. I think the idea was strong enough to base this poem on that idea and ending... cause others might not see the symbolism from the ending stanza to the entire set up of the poem. As a kid.... u dont have to have a stronger motive for the stillness... and u stayed still till that day... and show everyone and himself that he infact...wasnt as motionless as he appeared on the outside. I think it was great but maybe could have been writen better.... but i thought it was good for a first time. Not bad for ur first time. |
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Lavie New Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 8 |
I'm glad someone finaly caught on to the theme. I was beggining lose hope. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
It probably indicates a problem in the presentation if it takes that long for "someone to catch on to the theme." I'm sorry but the ending is still trite and inappropriate to the rest of the poem. If you just want to tell a schoolyard joke then it would work much better to lighten up the whole story. |
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