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Critical Analysis #2
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April 17, 2005
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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April 17, 2005 |
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Ratri New Member
since 2006-06-02
Posts 4 |
April 17,2005 Today, April 17, 2005 Is this young woman’s birthday She should be seventeen Instead, on her grave, rests a bouquet Another big milestone Since her death, has come to pass I pray for her family That they may reprieve, alas The time has come Without sympathy Now, Sixteen She will forever be Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks. |
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| © Copyright 2006 Ratri - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
You would have done better to forego the basic formulaic devices in this and written it as an un-rhyming tribute with no particular stanzaic structure. It would have more impact anyway since the rhymes seem a bit forced. There was no need to use the date in the first stanza, since you’ve just stated it in the title. Using, ‘big’ and ‘milestone’ is redundant, since 'milestone' is, "a significant event." Take yourself out of this poem. Make it third person so it can apply as easily to any of the countless, needless young deaths. The word, ‘reprieve’ in the first stanza is syntactically incomplete. Grieve is an obviously better word. The idea behind the last line has always intrigued me, since this person will forever be, in the minds of friends and loved ones, young. If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Hi: I do agree that the rhymes do seem alittle force. but I really like birthday bouquet. Rick |
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Ratri New Member
since 2006-06-02
Posts 4 |
Thanks, helps a lot. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Honestly, I'm bumping this one because it's my birthday. April 17,not today.  Pretty clearly, it looks like this is a one note wonder: so, as an exercise what do you think is wrong here? What's missing? [This message has been edited by Brad (01-02-2007 06:04 PM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I'd be interested in more details about the young woman- who was she? What was she like? Who mourns her? What are they like? |
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ChristianSpeaks Member
since 2006-05-18
Posts 396Iowa, USA |
This is a simple little piece, and for that there is merit. I absolutely loved the last strophe. Very clearly put. But for real analysis, there needs to be more here. Further description and metaphor must be added to let this one stand on its own. I would start by answering Brad's question and building from there. CS |
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kaila Junior Member
since 2006-12-24
Posts 37PA |
I think that the only necessary lines--so far--are "She should be seventeen Instead, on her grave, rests a bouquet" and "Now, Sixteen She will forever be" The rest of the poem--praying for the family, announcing that the time has come, etc.--seem to be fillers that do not tell us about the girl, her death, and/or her relationship to the speaker. MOve beyond the form. The rhyme and stanza form actually seem forced as someone before me noted. So, maybe getting down what you want to say rather than worrying about form and formula would be a way to start. I also would make sure that all of the words clearly convey what you mean. So, having rambled on--sorry about that--I think the basic idea has merit. But what do you want to say? What feelings do you want to convey? WHat surprise or image can you use to make the idea "work" for your readers on a few levels? kaila |
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