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When I dream
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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When I dream |
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GLK New Member
since 2006-05-24
Posts 2 |
This will be the first time I have had someone else read a poem I have written. I know this poem is far from perfect.This poem is fresh from my mind and unedited. I might have used the redundant line a TAD too much! When I dream about her I feel such joy. Oh gorgeous creature! I worship thy every feature. The splendid lines of cheek and neck. Oh gorgeous creature! My love is religion, thy face my preacher. When day dawns upon my fresh cut stone. Oh gorgeous creature! In my grave but still I reach her. Fortune shines upon me in this life. Oh gorgeous creature! My love a lesson, and you my teacher. |
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| © Copyright 2006 GLK - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Hi: I would be smitten to have had this written for me. Love poems are so persenal. Thank-you for sharing rick |
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DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
A nice positive poem for a change! Actually the repeating line in my opinion really brings the idea of worship to me...almost as if the person you are adulating is a god...or atleast an idol worthy of your attention. You do mention "preacher and religion"...so perhaps this comparison is accurate? It has a simple, "light as a feather" feel to it, content, admiring, contemplative...perhaps the state of mind you were in when you wrote it? |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
This is one more example of clichéd, forced rhyme poetry getting a pass on what used to be a pretty honest and open minded critique forum. I still believe that such hastily written initial posts would be much better served by any Open forum. If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
First, welcome to PIP and to CA. It's always good to hear a new voice. Now for the bad part, your disclamer, "This poem is fresh from my mind and unedited." I don't have much interest in correcting or even reviewing anyone's random ramblings. If you want help from the forum, you should at least do the best you can to make your writing as good as possible. Then submit it for advice. Yes, love poems are personal. They are also a dime a dozen, so to speak. If you just want to present it to that one special person then go ahead and make it personal. If, however, you want a broader audience then you must make it interesting to that audience. This effort is really not too bad along those lines although it could use some improvement. Grammatically, you have a problem in switching back and forth between talking to someone and talking about someone. Since this is always the same someone, you would do better to stick with one or the other. Then you speak of "in my grave" then the very next line of "in this life" as if they both represent the same period of time. Which is it? One of those has to change. Finally, you sprinkle in a couple of archaic "thys." This does not fit with the rest of the language. If meant to sound "poetic," it doesn't work. Instead, it just sounds artificial. I think you can make something of this but you first have to address several problems. Sorry to sound negative but it is the purpose of this forum to point out problems as well as gems. Ordinarily I would not have said so much for a new member but you did get my attention by stating you had not made the effort to edit it yourself before posting. Oops, I see Sid got in while I was typing. Pete Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr |
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GLK New Member
since 2006-05-24
Posts 2 |
Thanks for the replies, I realize that the style I write is archaic but that is how I enjoy expressing myself. I apologize if I posted this in the wrong area. The line "Fortune shines upon me in this life" I agree does not quite fit. I stumbled there. As for using the word thy, I do not use archaic words just to sound poetic but I do see your point. Again thanks for the input everyone. |
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