soulsearching(something to nod your head to)

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Critical Analysis #2

soulsearching(something to nod your head to)

kadafi09
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 143
California, United States

0 posted 2006-05-20 01:08 PM

7:22 PM
and the sun
sets in front of me,
a van and SUV pass
the van's driver
looks at me,
kid waters his lawn
an el camino and truck
drive by,
I sigh,
my pen pauses
a black jeep roars
across my skyline,
bugs buzz before me.
emptiness gets defined and
a couple walks past me
speaking of plans to bear children,
they're wearing rings,
they smile noting
that I notice them.
five trees besides the bus stop
and a CRX drives by
with its white paint blurring
in fifth gear,
this crazy lady rolls in her van
past me
for time number three
her annoying music floating across
the air to slap me.
one eyed accord
looking good despite its fault
makes me think,
my heart sinks
inexplicably while the
city lights seem barren
and not giving light yet
since the sun is still out,
don't know what this is about
and a skater zooms by
sounding like thunder breaking
my silence
breaking my pen
bringing my world to an end,
van hauling something
explains the racked
that this kid walked on by with
when I arrived in my mood car
that I wash when I'm sad,
to show the blackness
of my soul
my goal
is to write
until the sunlight
dies so
I'm gonna walk on
to another bench
with more life.

the sun setting over turlock,
where we hustle for change/
the converted remain/
loyal to the drug dealers

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

1 posted 2006-05-23 03:00 PM

hi:

You Have some great parts to this. I sugest that you re-write it a few times. changing the lines around and playing with the line lenght or even getting ride of some of the things passing by.

thanks for posting
rick

kadafi09
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 143
California, United States

2 posted 2006-05-25 11:47 AM

yea, i see what you're saying, those parts really don't fit with the rest. i'll definitely do a rewrite. i'll post the new thing so you guys can tell me if it improved or not

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