»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #2
»
I SOMETIMES SLEEP
| Critical Analysis #2 |
|
I SOMETIMES SLEEP |
|
|
Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
I SOMETIMES SLEEP works better for me. Ok Well I didn't like the title, well I don't really know it I like it at all. Is I a keeper or dose it go to the latter pail? WHAT THINK? POETIC CHEWING GUM My work you ask what do I do I ride the bus counting peoples eyes one by one thoughts enter my mind, they pay you, you ask, they do I respond and if by chance I write I’m paid for that. How often does a writer find perfection we wonder? The Answer; Depends on how often one writes, the more often; the more often I find poetics while riding the bus. And when the weather is blue with wind that blows thick rain passed the bridge while I ride in front behind the driver I sometimes sleep, but then again if the sun shines high and warm I think; if I write now what will it be: Dark death that linger heavy like road kill or maybe I’ll walk with the wind and talk with angels gathered together in trees. Whatever transpires I know that in the end I’ll have to type it up latter re-write and, re-write, again. [This message has been edited by Skippyrick (05-24-2006 01:24 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2006 Rick Slottow - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Having analyzed the paragraphs separately, I determined that the third was the only one with any poetic possibilities. The others were simply prosaic contemplation which, alone, would fail to compel the reader to even care, unless perhaps, you posted it in a discussion forum. I’m not sure you’re even aware that you have a relatively fixed cadence in the paragraph I’ve noted. This could easily be emphasized by use of simple line breaks, a sample of which I offer: And when the weather is blue with wind that blows thick rain passed the bridge while I ride in front behind the driver I sometimes sleep, but then again if the sun shines high and warm I think; if I write now what will it be: Dark death that linger heavy like road kill or maybe I’ll walk with the wind and talk with angels gathered together in trees. This is only one example of where to set the breaks, but doing so will make it easier to read as poetry. You should consider building your poem around this stanza. The next logical step--besides correcting all the misspellings--would be to eliminate such filler words as: L2, ‘with’ L3, ‘while’ L5, ‘but’ L6, ‘and’ L8, ‘or’ L9, ‘and’ If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICSoria My poetry forum. |
||
|
Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
Thanks: You are right it does not read much as a poem. It is more prose in nature. I'm reading "the gift" by Vladimir Nabokov at the moment. I will never reach that level but trying is part of writing. from the gift: The sun was already inviting me into the square. In its garden a young chestnut tree, still unable to walk alone a therefore supported by a stake, suddendly came out with a flower bigger than itself. The lilace, however did not bloom for a long tiime, but when they finally made up their mind, then, within on night, which left a considerble number of cigarette butts under the benches, they encircled the garden with ruffled richness. Thanks again Rick |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I didn't see the possibilities of that third stanza until pointed out by Sid above, probably due to the format. I agree. It does have possibilities if treated properly. Why not see if you can build something around that. |
||
|
Skippyrick Member
since 2006-05-16
Posts 150Rohnert Park |
thanks, line brakes do at times make a poem easier to read. Whatever transpires I know that in the end I’ll have to type it up latter re-write and, re-write, again |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
BTW, later only has 1 t. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
