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The Beach on a Summer's Evening
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Beach on a Summer's Evening |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
The Beach on a Summer’s Evening The waning sun engulfs the sky in shades and shapes to please the eye – a pleasant place to find rapport and no desire to wonder why. The waves across the water pour out ripples on the sandy shore then disappear to ebb and flow afar and then return once more. My passions wander to-and-fro while breezes in the treetops blow a haunting tune as to allege beliefs forgotten long ago. But I have no more time to dredge these thoughts, so to myself I pledge to linger at the water’s edge… to linger at the water’s edge. |
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| © Copyright 2005 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Pete, I like this a lot. It flows really well, and the rhyme scheme is really cool. I'm not really smart about structure and meter, so take my opinion for what it is, but the only thing that sounded a little akward was line 4 in the first stanza. The word "to" sticks out to me- I'm not exactly sure why. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Can I just enjoy it? |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks you ladies. I can't take credit for the "cool rhyme scheme" though or the structure either. Both are from Frost: Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening. Amy, I'm not sure why that "to" bothers you either.  |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Pete, Not often that I see you post a poem. I can see why: You take your time--which shows through in the final product. I seem to have an affinity these days for Iambic Tetraameter, done well. I feel you have done it well overall. Your rhyme scheme: aaba bbcb ccdc dddd--the final stanza; repeating the final line as in a chant--is out of the ordinary and adds freshness to this. As you can see, L3 in each of the first three stanzas determines the main rhyme of the stanza which proceeds it. I was about to ask where the idea came from, but then I read your comments just before posting. You picked a good one to study--and have pretty much made it your own. My only nit--and it's a minor one--is rhyming "...to-and-fro" with, "...treetops blow." Just seems a bit cliched to me. At first, I thought S4L1 to be shorter, by 1 foot than all the other lines. It almost seemed to me, it would read as two Anapests with an Iamb--if read as one would speak the sentence. But then, I realized that it's just as natural to put the emphasis on "I", in which case it flows as it should. This was a good study, Pete. Thanks for posting. Sid If you must carp: Carpe diem! |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hmmm, I see what you mean Sid. It had not occured before you mentioned it but I guess that particular rhyme does seem a little cliched or trite. Not sure I have an answer without really clobbering it though. Thanks much for reading and for the advice, as usual, spot on. |
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netsky Member
since 2005-03-29
Posts 148Miami |
So, I cannot scan meter but I can flow through this musical poem without a hitch. I tune pianos for a living. I listen to the music of beats resulting in recombinant frequencies. Here, I hear music in your metered verse which carries me through and makes me recall the sounds of the intervals of a well tuned piano. Tenths make a melodic, low vibrato. you make syllables similarly sing. Sure, the topicality does not make a huge statement. And yet... hint of cliche in one spot, as another pointed, out does not matter negatively to me. Likewise, the sound of breeze through Australian pines we have in the Miami locale is a natural sound one never considers as cliche/boring. These things: the tenth, the pine, the poem work on our organic base in nice ways. So, in a poem without any other pretense other than musical flow of natural thoughts made by nature, heard through a man; here can be no cliche in such a steady handwriting. It's a gentle breeze from your pen thatcould never grow cold in my hearing. thanks, reid |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Pete, I don't do CA because I am not a poet nor an expert on anything. With that said, I loved this and need to keep it...hence the response..  "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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netsky Member
since 2005-03-29
Posts 148Miami |
Hey, Susan, true.. crit analysis should be based with know-how of the mechanics. but also-- like in music, knowlege of the mechanics is not entirely vital in knowing whether the song sings, or not. I know a guy named Jerry Herman... he still can't read music. Composer fellow- "Hello Dolly". He operates by natural instinct. In his domain he's done well. So will a poet who knows rules of compostion and has heart, as this one above does. I'm full of lacks, myself (oxymoron, there) but know/feel/sense/ when I read a good poem, that it has exemplary elements to it even if I can't scan meter or whatnot. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hiya Pete, Now I've never been a huge fan of rhyming schemes and formats that can sometimes dictate content, however this one was done particularly well so I feel the need to comment. I've always felt that a good rhyming poem is subtle enough to make the reader forget that the darn thing is actually rhyming. I think you do a great job at this with solid meters and well placed stresses...the only stumbling block for myself was: "My passions wander TO-anD-FRo while BReeZES iN THe TReeTOPS BLOw" ...well that was my attempt at showing stresses for what its worth. But it took me several reads to get past that and it jarred me out of rhythm. Not only that but you create such a wonderful image of a beach then place imagry that is more associated with a forest..such as trees. "But I have no more time to dredge these thoughts, so to myself I pledge to linger at the water’s edge… to linger at the water’s edge." I thought this was a lovely way to end the poem. "dredge" is a great word choice for contemplation mixing well with the scenery you provide. The repetition also works well and leaves a haunting feeling which ties in nicely to a thought expressed in the previous stanza.."a haunting tune as to allege/beliefs forgotten long ago". Though the opening of the poem is borderline on cliched, I think it still works well enough to leave it as is. Anyway, nice job Pete. I really enjoyed the poem and the melodic feel to it. Take care, Trev |
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netsky Member
since 2005-03-29
Posts 148Miami |
yeah! I wouldn't know how to say it so well but i ditto Trevor and hope you'll help me develope better meter in my poetry. -yeah! like, your meter makes the rhyme about -disappear- from conscious veiw be happy and thanks for being here, Pete. reid |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Trev, great to hear from you again. You been gone too long. Thanks for the critique. Glad you enjoyed. Pete |
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longte Member
since 2005-04-06
Posts 199Australia |
Not sure if I'm allowed say this What's wrong with Cliche??? Especially if it Fits in perfectly To me the idea of poetry is to tell a story or send a message I realise my view is very simplistic compared to the other statements in here But the poem Flows Tells its story Live It |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I loved the rhyming and the imagery here, wishing to be 'engulfed' at the water's edge. The flow carried me gracefully, and even the hint of a cliche or two does not 'blow me away' from enjoying this 'gem' of a write. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Pete, Thanks for the welcome back, I probably won't stick around but rather prefer to lurk and read some fresh work now and again. Longte: "What's wrong with Cliche??? Especially if it Fits in perfectly" What's wrong with a cliche other than being overdone, overheard, overwritten, overwrought, overused, overspoken and usually overly boring, very repitious, very redundant, very whipping a dead horse successively like the stream of words that opened this paragraph?...well aside from that nothing's wrong with using cliches. And nothing wrong with art all looking the same, or sounding the same and invoking exactly all the same thoughts and feelings. Nothing wrong at all with unoriginality... But hey, scratch all that sarcasm if it does fit well like in Pete's poem. |
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netsky Member
since 2005-03-29
Posts 148Miami |
"scratch all that sarcasm if it does fit well like in Pete's poem." exactly. So, cliche fits at times-- It is the air I breath and the water inhaled up my nose when I laugh with wit like yours. cliche touche.. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Longte, After re-reading what I wrote in response to your thoughts on cliches - I wanted to apologize if it came out harshly. I have a nasty habit of being too sarcastic at times, I'll blame it on my stupidity because I'm not smart enough to think of a better scapegoat. Anyways, I hope you didn't take offense to my smarmy, arrogant response. Wasn't meant to be like that but rather a lame attempt at wit and humor. Thanks, Trev |
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MsSouthernOrchid Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192 |
I do not critique as I am not qualified. Just wanted to let you know I enjoyed this poem. It makes me feel I am relaxing on the waters edge and I love that. Growing up in a seaside resort town, I can really relate to this one. |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Pete~ To note enjoyment of a piece, as it is written, is not only a positive testament to the writer, it is a review/critique of the piece and often enjoyed as such~ You took us effortlessly in a rhyme scheme that fit the thoughts~ The closer of ... 'But I have no more time to dredge these thoughts, so to myself I pledge to linger at the water’s edge… to linger at the water’s edge.' ... seemed the perfect echo effect that this lovely piece should finish on~  *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~ |
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DavidTheLion Junior Member
since 2006-04-06
Posts 36 |
Well I am spanking new here so I wont take too long or analyse the structure...even if I wanted to I couldnt...well not yet anyways. All I can comment on is how this poem made me feel...the closest thing I can compare it to is how you feel on a sunday afternoon lying on the couch watching a really good football game, but the heavy feeling of cozy sleep nudging your brain and eyelids far outweights the game's excitement...its like you're caught between 2 worlds, and the middle is WAY better than either one. So what Im saying is somewhere between the structure and the message/imagery of the poem, it left me feeling pleasantly numb behind the eyelids and the brain. who needs morphine with poems like this |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Lovely to see you post again, and with such a refreshing and well-done poem. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Enter the black fly in this chardonay- imo The rhyme scheme as attested by almost everyone is here in this poem; sky/eye; shore/more etc.. but the poem is awash with cliches - beliefs forgotten long ago? The waves across the water pour? [I suspect this line is redundant, since 'waves' and 'water' in this context pretty much mean the same thing] - thus a rewrite may be: the water across the water pours? My passions wander to-and-fro? I'm sitting here reading this and going No! No! No! The beach on a summer's evening deserves more than this; dig man, dig. I know you felt it move - go back and wrestle with it and bring it here so we can all feast on it like you did! As it stands now - I feel as if you threw me the crumbs. I hope this dosen't come across as negative, but I am passionate about this moment because I see a glimmer of it - and am sure you can unhinge it and bring it here. I want to see it - feel it - share in it with you. Isn't that what writing is supposed to do? YeshuJah*) |
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