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Dime&Penny
New Member

since 2006-05-20

Posts 5
USA

0 posted 2006-05-20 02:05 AM

This is a poem that I wrote last year. I just recently updated it and made it flow better than it used to. I've never really gotten any valuable critique on it... (Don't be TOO harsh, I'm not used to that yet... but if it's terrible, I guess you should tell me.) Can't wait to see what you all have to say about it.

SPENDING SPRING ASLEEP
By E.O. 2006

Here we lie
In the light of the midday sun,
Putting grass and clover in the hair of one
Trying to stay
Asleep.

Here we stay
Avoiding the inside.
In our dreams we hide,
But out in the open we lie
Awake.

Here we lie
In the light of the beautiful sun,
Its warm rays like a prize we've won.
Now we're halfway
Asleep.

Here we try
Maybe to get a tan,
Or darken the freckles on faces we fan.
Friends are kicking a ball nearby
Awake.

Here some try
To keep secrets from
Each friend lying in the midday sun,
Wishing to cry themselves
To sleep.

-------
(Written: April 9,2005)
(Updated: April 2006)

kadafi09
Member

since 2003-06-17

Posts 143
California, United States

1 posted 2006-05-20 12:49 PM

Love this. It has good flow and to me it is pleasing to the ear. For some reason it makes me think of highschool.

the sun setting over turlock,
where we hustle for change/
the converted remain/
loyal to the drug dealers

Dime&Penny
New Member

since 2006-05-20

Posts 5
USA

2 posted 2006-05-21 02:45 AM

Thanks. I'm glad you like it.

Skippyrick
Member

since 2006-05-16

Posts 150
Rohnert Park

3 posted 2006-05-23 04:39 PM

HI:

I love the title. And the poem reads well. Two things: the third line seem long. and then I'm not moved by the fourth stanza, seems to playfull, to easy, needs more punch, more awakeness, movement.

Thank great read
Rick

Dime&Penny
New Member

since 2006-05-20

Posts 5
USA

4 posted 2006-05-25 07:15 PM

Thanks, I'm glad you like it and think it flows well. Thank you for the critique also, I'll def. look into what you say might make it better... And once I've edited it, I will post it again in this same thread.

----------
"If you meet my eyes
And they look sad,
Not happy like they usually do,
Then you've seen a part of me
That I never wanted you to. - EO

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2007-01-07 05:43 PM

If you haven't guessed yet, I'm a big fan of dialogue in poetry. I think, instead of secrets, you might show the secret by employing a kind of conversation around what you don't want to talk about.

Dime&Penny
New Member

since 2006-05-20

Posts 5
USA

6 posted 2007-01-08 03:31 AM

Brad,
Could you give me an example of what you mean? Maybe an excerpt from another poem?
Thanks for the help!

----------
"If you meet my eyes
And they look sad,
Not happy like they usually do,
Then you've seen a part of me
That I never wanted you to. - EO

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

7 posted 2007-01-08 04:44 PM

Off the top of my head, the second part, I think, of the Wasteland. Nemurov is also good at this or maybe Ted Hughes.

The effect I was thinking of is something along the lines of Japanese anime (to be honest, it's just something the Japanese do)where a subtle nod of the head can speak volumes.

Saul Bellow comes to mind but I can't remember the name of the book.

Ron

Administrator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-05-19

Posts 8669
Michigan, US

8 posted 2007-01-08 05:21 PM

I think many of Hemingway's short stories, especially "Hills Like White Elephants," are also good examples of using dialog to reveal what is meant to be hidden.

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